the last to know

are you that person? you know, the one who never knows what's going on until a month later...yeah, that's me. and it's been a problem since i was about 8 years old. you can attribute it to my a.d.d. or maybe i'm just oblivious to the world around. for whatever reason...i'm always the last to know. take for instance my dad "forgetting" to tell me that he had gotten married. that's a simple mistake, right? you get married in november and don't tell your daughter until march...and for some reason i don't buy the "forgetting".

and recently, i feel that people have forgotten to tell me important developments in their lives...some stuff that may affect me living my own life. and i don't understand. if we're friends then it should be easy, essential to our friendship to let me in on the big secret. last year i was blatantly lead on while my friend already had a girlfriend....not good. and you would think that i wouldn't be the last to know. that i would see the signs. and honestly, i don't have the time to analyze and study each relationship i have...that's where you have to trust people. but what happens when the people that you value most are always the ones to hurt you. and maybe it's not on purpose, but what if it might be. what if everyone was aware of their actions. what is i was aware of how gullible i am.

and sometimes i get angry about the way i've been treated. and i'm fully aware that my anger cannot make anything right in God's sight, but what if i all i can be is disappointed and sad? what if i can't stop listening to tiny dancer? and i've learned that i still have to function with the people that have hurt me...take my dad for example...i have to remember that i forgave him for the things that he did to us and how he did it. sometimes i forget it even happened at all. but it still happened.

sometimes i think my best friend's ears are going to fall off because he has heard all of this a million times. and i can't understand why it's so easy for him to treat me like he treats Jesus and it's so difficult for others. i mean it, the kid is Jesus to me and has been for 7 years. we all claim to be christian brothers and sisters...what's the deal? and i have to examine myself to see if i even come close to the standard i set for everyone else. i think of it this way...it would probably be the same if i was the first to know.

good things

there's something to be said for coming home to a house that smells like home. think about it...how much better do you feel as you pass over a threshold to have warm smells meet you. so maybe i need more exciting things in my life, but today that's what i appreciate. that my house feels like a home. i guess i take for granted those people who hate to pass through the doors. and it makes me wonder why their homes don't feel safe...like they belong in that space. i don't know what i would do without my place. when i was baylor, i always a felt a sense of relief when i was about to turn onto my street. even through traffic, i had the will to just make it home simply because i loved the space and the people in it. this is true even at my dad's house. it will always feel like home to me. most of the memories i hold as sacred are found between dallas and texas city. so here's to feeling like home.

on another note, jenn is tying the knot on saturday. and though i'm extremely happy for her, i can't picture her being someone's wife. she'll always be the girl who used to jump on my bed right after i made it. the funniest thing we ever did was ride around canton on a couple of scooters or "rascals". she actually jumped on one and promptly said, "jess, we've got 2!" she'll always be my college roommate and funnest highschool girl friend. the kid i would paint with all summer for the student ministry. the girl i would get stranded in hillsboro while on our way home to dallas for the weekend. she's that girl, jenny t. she's the girl who would meet me at walmart to get t-shirt supplies. she's the kid who would coarse me into going to whataburger at 3am. we'd even wear sequins out on a friday night just for fun. she's the kid who would let me sleep over at her house for 3 days straight. so i guess you can say we've had our share of good times...and here's to many, many more. congrats and love.

an excerpt

In response to not knowing what God's Call is on your life:
"Your call is to be a worship leader...but not necessarily with a guitar in your hand. Your call is to befriend that funny little lady at the end of your street. Your call is to feed the hungry and to spend yourself on behalf of the poor and to offer hospitality to strangers who just turn up in town needing a place to crash. And it's to pray so long and hard that you run out of words and tears. Your call is to preach the good news of Jesus to every person who will listen and a few who won't. Your call is to go somewhere, anywhere, wherever, whenever, for Jesus and never stop. your call is to love people no one else loves and to forgive them when they treat you like dirt--or worse. Do your job to the very best of your ability without grumbling about your boss or whining about your colleagues. Your call is to pray for the sick, and when they are healed, to dance all night. And when they aren't, to weep with them and love them even more. Your call is to honor your parents, pray for your leaders, study the Scriptures, and attend plenty of parties. Be a peacemaker in every situation: when the fight breaks out on the bus home late and when gossip starts to circulate at church. Your call is to pick up litter in the street when no one else is looking, to wipe the toilet seat, to pull the gum off from under the desk. It's to get to meetings early to put out the chairs. Your call is to make disciples and teach them to obey everything Jesus commanded. And don't forget to minister grace to them when they sin. Which they will. Your mission is to baptize and to cast out evil spirits. Your call is to bind up broken hearts wherever you find them, and you will find them wherever you look. It's to visit prisons. And hospitals. Your call is to listen more than you talk and to listen with your eyes as well as your ears. It's to do the chores again and again without grumbling. It's to buy ethical coffee and to recycle your bottles. And when you've done all that, come back and see me."
-The Vision and The Vow by Pete Greig

The only thing that i would want to add to those statements is we should do these things out of a joyful heart. How far away are we from this?

a response

so i tried to finish my painting today and it didn't happen...i liked the way it looked before, but there isn't much i can do to change it. and yes, its my fault, but hopefully i will like the end result much more than how it looked in the beginning.

changing the subject...
sometimes i think i beat myself up over the outcome of situations when i had nothing to do with the conflict in the first place. its all in the response...lately i've found myself praying for my favorite married couple on earth...yes, earth. they have been dealt a very crazy hand just a few days ago. and i know that God is in control of all things. afterall His thoughts about us are more numerous than the grains of sand...and that goes for every person ever created. and sometimes i wish people could see what i've seen and what i've felt. especially from these guys...they are an extraordinary duo that seeks to honor God with every day. i should know because they have mentored me through every good and difficult time in the last 3 years. so i know that God will use them some other place, but i can't help but think that their students are being robbed of the opportunity to learn from them. and so i will never have the answers just suggestions. and thank God, He will never need to hear them. so i might spend a few days wondering why. i just want people to see what Jesus sees when He looks at His Loves...He sees the heart.

maybe it's too much to ask...maybe i want too much...maybe it's all we need...to love one another.

kindness

what i normally view as beautiful should be closer to God's idea of beauty...at least that's my hope. to know what is truly beautiful. so many things have happened in the course of a year. and sometimes the 3rd time's the charm...for me to see that everything is worthless compared to the priceless gain of knowing Jesus Christ. hasn't that been God's goal for me to understand all along? and i've fought Him at every angle, but i see it all now. He's all that matters. and no amount of anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment can diminish His Glory. so while i can only see what is temporal, i will not question what i know too little about.

i've been so encouraged by reading from BJ's blog...or reading what his family writes about him since he was called home. and if they can find the love, joy, peace, and beauty of their story...i can smile...i can love...i can go on with God's future grace in mind.

and i have to say that while it would be easy to take this experience on as my own, i haven't. i have seen what the body of Christ was meant to be. they are a self-less family that seeks to bear my burdens as if they were their own. they have been Jesus to me...each one. so i thank you for loving me enough to give up time to listen, pray, and sit with me. and i believe that every battle that is won in my life is also theirs. this is how it feels to be held.

so while it might be easy to come away from this entry feeling good about the body...maybe even seeing God in a different way. my main goal is that we would be mindful of how we treat others. consider that a person is a sister, brother, son, daughter, a future friend, or even a spouse. we are treat one another with the kindness and love that Christ Jesus grants us on a daily basis. perhaps we need to understand and see the love of Christ instead of trying to recognize it on our own merit. love and respect your neighbor...they are trying to do the same.

October 6

they sure do know how to build theme parks, but movie sneak peeks are not their strong suits. i'm talking about those beastly execs at the walt disney company...what are they thinking billing a 2 hour event as a movie screening (and not just any movie...the keenly anticipated Narnia - my gosh man!) and sending in the big wigs to talk up this movie and only showing a 10 minute trailor. phoenemenol as it was...it was a trailor, not a movie or even a rough cut. here's to the free gift bag though...i'm missing the narnia passport. fortunately, i was able to get to know krystal better and discuss the royal tennenbaums at length - always a good time.

i found myself talking my bff michelle out of going to walmart tonight...it was almost 10:00pm...not a wise thing to do in mississippi at night by yourself. the conversation then shifted to her using hurricane food stamps to buy food. my friends are so classy.

the main reason i have a problem with walmart is the simply that i can't go there without being hit on by a mexican guy in his late twenties. funny as it sounds, i was just trying to make it out the door this evening with my chicken tenders and my cinderella dvd (on sale for $14.88) platinum edition. but hey, life throws out those curve balls and you can either try to dodge them or pretend like you're blind and not flinch when they hit you.

but all in all the day was glorious...yes, glorious. the weather was insane and i spent some time outside just smelling the air. so what if i'm weird. i'm okay with it. i watched cinderella for the first time in years and i noticed that even she has an odd attachment to the name octavious...it the best non-serious baby name to suggest to expecting parents. and i talked to michelle for a considerable amount of time. everyone should really have their own michelle...if that's even possible. and i finished up the night with some writing, eating my fun size m&m's, and listening to very safe, but ecletic music.

...i love these kinds of days