who needs santa?

it should be noted that my momma likes kanye west, but she doesn't care for mariah carey or "mimi" as her friends refer to her. you know what i like? i like christmas and yes, while Jesus is the reason for the season and the colloquial expression...it's true. when did it become about the obsession of the perfect gift? and i'm not just saying that because i'm out of college, and santa will have no gift for me this year. don't we already have enough? so it just really becomes about saying when. so i'm saying enough already....let Jesus be enough.

cookies

i highly recommend giving ernie cookie jars for christmas...mine doesn't talk even though the picture shows me putting my hand over his mouth...but just imagine if he was saying something...i would charge people to see it and hear it! merry christmas...this is also my christmas card!

lost

i thought she would make it...she didn't...

who's it all about?

i suppose i haven't written in a while partly due to massive amounts of business followed by massive amounts of laziness. and so much has gone on in such a short time. both seek weekends were a success...thanks to all of the leaders and parents for making it all possible!

i've been thinking alot lately about events, ministry, and people...and all i want to see in all of them is Jesus...or the mind of Christ. What's happened to that being our focus? It's been a struggle for me to recognize it in my own life, but I think it is attainable to have the desire to think like Christ...surely God honors that. What is stopping me from being more like Jesus? Is it my knack for being a pretty great control freak? Is it my prideful attitude when it comes to recognition? Or is it my constant need to be validated by someone other than my family? And even after writing that, a small part of me still wants to hide out in the land of denial. But I still want to make it there, as much as God will allow me to understand.

i was in the car this evening on my way to core. and i thought to myself, self, you're exhausted! and then i heard the Lord respond immediately, you love me more than that. i will not allow you to miss out on an opportunity just because you are tired. And you know something...God was totally right. I love him enough to run myself into the ground for the kids i work with. I love God enough to be in the most desperate of situations and still serve him. i have to remind myself of this at times even though i hate to admit it. I thank Jesus that he gave himself as our example. It will always be about Jesus...and if it's not...then we're wrong.

mmmm cake!

the long awaited cake fight photo has arrived now that i've discovered how to post pictures...it only took 3 months. i did learn how ebay worked today thanks to the other girl in the picture. there's more from where this came from!

let there be commenting

with careful consideration the comments are back on the blog...please only comment on relevant subjects of the posts...i do not post the guidelines for anyone, but my family members since they believe this is a personal message board of stupidity...it is not...happy commenting!

what's He doing?

it was a good weekend...and i'm ready for the next. and as crazy as it gets, i would choose it all again.

let me know how things changed for you this weekend. i know God did something. He definitely did a work in my life....tell someone and watch what happens. what God does in your life should not be a secret.

remember to love each other.

continued

and why is it that i had the best birthday ever and all i will probably remember is the fact that my parents forgot it again...yes, year three. what's up with that? so i should talk about the good things that happened...umm....let's see...mavs game was awesome and so were the seats. i didn't see eva longoria, but she didn't see me either. i got a few gift certificates and the coolest socks in the world...and just fyi, the way to a girl's heart is through silly socks. my grandparents were equally entertaining as always and i was even asked to be sharyl's maid of honor...incredible. so i should remember all of these things. thank you all for thinking of me. oh yes, and i how could i forget lunch with the middleton's and nat...i am blessed.

miriam, you look out for me so much, i love you...and Lisa, too.

year 3

so i just spent the last hour praising the Lord while i went running. and we talked about how when i stress about things that i don't trust. it's funny how God chooses to show us how wrong we are in such a gentle manner...its grace...that's amazing. and i have to do the same right now...my dad and stepmom forgot my birthday again and i'm not surprised, but i have to choose how to react...with grace and love or with worldly anger that can quickly consume me. how come this junk never stops...how come i never keep hoping they will notice me or even remember. i love them so why don't they love me back?

maybe i expect too much. i'm more high maintenance than most, but even with a busy schedule and work, i still make time to visit them for their birthdays. and i just have to remember that God's thoughts about me....and even them, are more numerous than all the grains of sand on earth. and nothing should surprise me. we all need Jesus...

the reason

there are so many things that happen during the course of a normal business day. and there are so many people to call back, lists to make, and people to email about the most random and obscure things. and sometimes its easy to forget what we do all of this for. i was reminded of the purpose last night as i sat in a group of 30 kids and listened to them worship. that's why we do all of it...for you guys. for you all to be equipped and to send you out into the world to make Christ known.

so i guess i need to apologize to God for being so caught up in the externals of this job i have. don't i see what the purpose is? ultimately, we all know what we do it for, but do we value it. the day i allow myself not to be moved by students worshipping is the day i need to get out. and i don't think that day will really come, but it could.
so i will be mindful of what will make it to eternity...if i don't know the difference between gold and sand, how can i show them?

just another word...please pray for our brothers and sisters at UBC in waco. pray that they would be held close by the Father during this time. if you would like to learn more of how you can pray for them go to http://ubcwaco.org

Live. And Live Well.
Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life.
-kl

the last to know

are you that person? you know, the one who never knows what's going on until a month later...yeah, that's me. and it's been a problem since i was about 8 years old. you can attribute it to my a.d.d. or maybe i'm just oblivious to the world around. for whatever reason...i'm always the last to know. take for instance my dad "forgetting" to tell me that he had gotten married. that's a simple mistake, right? you get married in november and don't tell your daughter until march...and for some reason i don't buy the "forgetting".

and recently, i feel that people have forgotten to tell me important developments in their lives...some stuff that may affect me living my own life. and i don't understand. if we're friends then it should be easy, essential to our friendship to let me in on the big secret. last year i was blatantly lead on while my friend already had a girlfriend....not good. and you would think that i wouldn't be the last to know. that i would see the signs. and honestly, i don't have the time to analyze and study each relationship i have...that's where you have to trust people. but what happens when the people that you value most are always the ones to hurt you. and maybe it's not on purpose, but what if it might be. what if everyone was aware of their actions. what is i was aware of how gullible i am.

and sometimes i get angry about the way i've been treated. and i'm fully aware that my anger cannot make anything right in God's sight, but what if i all i can be is disappointed and sad? what if i can't stop listening to tiny dancer? and i've learned that i still have to function with the people that have hurt me...take my dad for example...i have to remember that i forgave him for the things that he did to us and how he did it. sometimes i forget it even happened at all. but it still happened.

sometimes i think my best friend's ears are going to fall off because he has heard all of this a million times. and i can't understand why it's so easy for him to treat me like he treats Jesus and it's so difficult for others. i mean it, the kid is Jesus to me and has been for 7 years. we all claim to be christian brothers and sisters...what's the deal? and i have to examine myself to see if i even come close to the standard i set for everyone else. i think of it this way...it would probably be the same if i was the first to know.

good things

there's something to be said for coming home to a house that smells like home. think about it...how much better do you feel as you pass over a threshold to have warm smells meet you. so maybe i need more exciting things in my life, but today that's what i appreciate. that my house feels like a home. i guess i take for granted those people who hate to pass through the doors. and it makes me wonder why their homes don't feel safe...like they belong in that space. i don't know what i would do without my place. when i was baylor, i always a felt a sense of relief when i was about to turn onto my street. even through traffic, i had the will to just make it home simply because i loved the space and the people in it. this is true even at my dad's house. it will always feel like home to me. most of the memories i hold as sacred are found between dallas and texas city. so here's to feeling like home.

on another note, jenn is tying the knot on saturday. and though i'm extremely happy for her, i can't picture her being someone's wife. she'll always be the girl who used to jump on my bed right after i made it. the funniest thing we ever did was ride around canton on a couple of scooters or "rascals". she actually jumped on one and promptly said, "jess, we've got 2!" she'll always be my college roommate and funnest highschool girl friend. the kid i would paint with all summer for the student ministry. the girl i would get stranded in hillsboro while on our way home to dallas for the weekend. she's that girl, jenny t. she's the girl who would meet me at walmart to get t-shirt supplies. she's the kid who would coarse me into going to whataburger at 3am. we'd even wear sequins out on a friday night just for fun. she's the kid who would let me sleep over at her house for 3 days straight. so i guess you can say we've had our share of good times...and here's to many, many more. congrats and love.

an excerpt

In response to not knowing what God's Call is on your life:
"Your call is to be a worship leader...but not necessarily with a guitar in your hand. Your call is to befriend that funny little lady at the end of your street. Your call is to feed the hungry and to spend yourself on behalf of the poor and to offer hospitality to strangers who just turn up in town needing a place to crash. And it's to pray so long and hard that you run out of words and tears. Your call is to preach the good news of Jesus to every person who will listen and a few who won't. Your call is to go somewhere, anywhere, wherever, whenever, for Jesus and never stop. your call is to love people no one else loves and to forgive them when they treat you like dirt--or worse. Do your job to the very best of your ability without grumbling about your boss or whining about your colleagues. Your call is to pray for the sick, and when they are healed, to dance all night. And when they aren't, to weep with them and love them even more. Your call is to honor your parents, pray for your leaders, study the Scriptures, and attend plenty of parties. Be a peacemaker in every situation: when the fight breaks out on the bus home late and when gossip starts to circulate at church. Your call is to pick up litter in the street when no one else is looking, to wipe the toilet seat, to pull the gum off from under the desk. It's to get to meetings early to put out the chairs. Your call is to make disciples and teach them to obey everything Jesus commanded. And don't forget to minister grace to them when they sin. Which they will. Your mission is to baptize and to cast out evil spirits. Your call is to bind up broken hearts wherever you find them, and you will find them wherever you look. It's to visit prisons. And hospitals. Your call is to listen more than you talk and to listen with your eyes as well as your ears. It's to do the chores again and again without grumbling. It's to buy ethical coffee and to recycle your bottles. And when you've done all that, come back and see me."
-The Vision and The Vow by Pete Greig

The only thing that i would want to add to those statements is we should do these things out of a joyful heart. How far away are we from this?

a response

so i tried to finish my painting today and it didn't happen...i liked the way it looked before, but there isn't much i can do to change it. and yes, its my fault, but hopefully i will like the end result much more than how it looked in the beginning.

changing the subject...
sometimes i think i beat myself up over the outcome of situations when i had nothing to do with the conflict in the first place. its all in the response...lately i've found myself praying for my favorite married couple on earth...yes, earth. they have been dealt a very crazy hand just a few days ago. and i know that God is in control of all things. afterall His thoughts about us are more numerous than the grains of sand...and that goes for every person ever created. and sometimes i wish people could see what i've seen and what i've felt. especially from these guys...they are an extraordinary duo that seeks to honor God with every day. i should know because they have mentored me through every good and difficult time in the last 3 years. so i know that God will use them some other place, but i can't help but think that their students are being robbed of the opportunity to learn from them. and so i will never have the answers just suggestions. and thank God, He will never need to hear them. so i might spend a few days wondering why. i just want people to see what Jesus sees when He looks at His Loves...He sees the heart.

maybe it's too much to ask...maybe i want too much...maybe it's all we need...to love one another.

kindness

what i normally view as beautiful should be closer to God's idea of beauty...at least that's my hope. to know what is truly beautiful. so many things have happened in the course of a year. and sometimes the 3rd time's the charm...for me to see that everything is worthless compared to the priceless gain of knowing Jesus Christ. hasn't that been God's goal for me to understand all along? and i've fought Him at every angle, but i see it all now. He's all that matters. and no amount of anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment can diminish His Glory. so while i can only see what is temporal, i will not question what i know too little about.

i've been so encouraged by reading from BJ's blog...or reading what his family writes about him since he was called home. and if they can find the love, joy, peace, and beauty of their story...i can smile...i can love...i can go on with God's future grace in mind.

and i have to say that while it would be easy to take this experience on as my own, i haven't. i have seen what the body of Christ was meant to be. they are a self-less family that seeks to bear my burdens as if they were their own. they have been Jesus to me...each one. so i thank you for loving me enough to give up time to listen, pray, and sit with me. and i believe that every battle that is won in my life is also theirs. this is how it feels to be held.

so while it might be easy to come away from this entry feeling good about the body...maybe even seeing God in a different way. my main goal is that we would be mindful of how we treat others. consider that a person is a sister, brother, son, daughter, a future friend, or even a spouse. we are treat one another with the kindness and love that Christ Jesus grants us on a daily basis. perhaps we need to understand and see the love of Christ instead of trying to recognize it on our own merit. love and respect your neighbor...they are trying to do the same.

October 6

they sure do know how to build theme parks, but movie sneak peeks are not their strong suits. i'm talking about those beastly execs at the walt disney company...what are they thinking billing a 2 hour event as a movie screening (and not just any movie...the keenly anticipated Narnia - my gosh man!) and sending in the big wigs to talk up this movie and only showing a 10 minute trailor. phoenemenol as it was...it was a trailor, not a movie or even a rough cut. here's to the free gift bag though...i'm missing the narnia passport. fortunately, i was able to get to know krystal better and discuss the royal tennenbaums at length - always a good time.

i found myself talking my bff michelle out of going to walmart tonight...it was almost 10:00pm...not a wise thing to do in mississippi at night by yourself. the conversation then shifted to her using hurricane food stamps to buy food. my friends are so classy.

the main reason i have a problem with walmart is the simply that i can't go there without being hit on by a mexican guy in his late twenties. funny as it sounds, i was just trying to make it out the door this evening with my chicken tenders and my cinderella dvd (on sale for $14.88) platinum edition. but hey, life throws out those curve balls and you can either try to dodge them or pretend like you're blind and not flinch when they hit you.

but all in all the day was glorious...yes, glorious. the weather was insane and i spent some time outside just smelling the air. so what if i'm weird. i'm okay with it. i watched cinderella for the first time in years and i noticed that even she has an odd attachment to the name octavious...it the best non-serious baby name to suggest to expecting parents. and i talked to michelle for a considerable amount of time. everyone should really have their own michelle...if that's even possible. and i finished up the night with some writing, eating my fun size m&m's, and listening to very safe, but ecletic music.

...i love these kinds of days

just a thought

do you ever wonder about the person that tries too hard? you know that guy who talks in circles and never answers questions directly? what's up with that guy? don't you ever want to say, "you're an educated guy and you still have trouble answering the fundamental precepts of faith." most of the time i feel as though we can see right through people like that. you know the kind that are so busy that it looks like they have everything under control. and really its killing them to keep up the charade of looking important. and i have to ask myself why those people want to have all the answers...i mean why do they want to solve everyone else's problems when they don't even acknowledge their own. so i guess we might always struggle with who we want to be and who we are meant to be. who are we pretending to be and what are we?

stars

driving home tonight i saw the moon...and i couldn't take my eyes off of it. i was driving towards the west and while i could see the remnants of the sunset, i had to tilt my head to the right to see the moon. i probably should've gotten into a wreck, but in my defense it was beautiful. knowing that God revels in His own Creation, i should be a part of that. i guess i have been thinking about the stars and moon alot lately. partly due to the new switchfoot album, partly because the view never gets old. so to correctly steal from the song, when i look at the stars, i feel like myself. check out the view if you have a chance...its amazing. and get the new cd, too.

Part 3: Love

All this time i thought it was everyone else...it was easier to blame other people than to think i had the problem. who wants to say they are broken and more than that, who wants to go through the pain of getting fixed. how much more painful...embarrassing is it to say they don't know what they are doing. I feel like i should be part of a 12 step program although i don't know all the steps. if you don't know what that is, you don't need to know. but like someone that has a broken bone or is sick, i need to get better before i can get back to normal. so i'm not ready for anything, but God. and i say that for no one else, but me. i need to say it...i need to be reminded and held accountable. my friends have been thinking it for 2 years. it seems like i am honest with everyone else, but myself...and it slowly eats away at the sanity i have left. if the only thing i have at the end of this life is that i guarded my heart, it's more than i started out with. how will i ever be intrusted with another person's heart when i don't know how to treat my own?

And i should've seen the signs...i like sharyl crow, i can't watch chick flicks, i can't be touched and forget about the idea of kissing. i bail. Amy has told me that I'm not normal and she's 100% right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone and more than that, i'm afraid of someone seeing the real me. so i'll agree to hang out, but my mind will be a million miles away. i'm not sure how this will work, but i have to say that i'm no where near being what i project myself to be.

Here's to being what God intended me to be...thats all i can do. i'm through with my own expectations, my parents expectations and the rest of my family. where there is brokeness, there is always restoration...consider me a broken cistern.

Part 2: Love

So what's wrong with this picture? I am okay with the idea that I struggle with God loving me, yet I think I am ready to conquer earthly love on my own. It's a mystery, really. Why can't I see that everything is flawed compared to the unfailing love of Christ? And I still want the earthly stuff. I STILL WANT THE EARTHLY STUFF!?! Yes, I know what it looks like, feels like, walks like, talks like, etc. And in those times where my idea of love fails, God finds me sitting in my closet on top of a pile of shoes, crying into a worn, gray sweatshirt. And he says, "Let me love you." He doesn't demand that I allow him to, nor does he have to coax me into it. And I still have a hard time saying yes to Him.

This time two years ago, I was a very different person. I was sure that I had met the person I was meant to be with forever. The problem was, he had a difficult time understanding God's unconditional love for him, too. So there was no way we ever had a chance...he had ever more hang-ups than i did. And while he is still a friend, i have a hard time accepting that it was no one's fault. And what I learned from that was, I should not chase what i do not understand. i need to be taught and not by anything of this world. yes, i have had my share of experiences and they have taught me many things, but i need to learn from the God that created love.

A friend suggested that I would like a certain musical artist...He sings a song called No More Running Away. Hopefully, that is the approach that I will be able to make a habit. Here are a few lyrics:

We've come to help you decide
How to spend the rest of your days and nights
We understand that you've tried it before and it froze you alive
And if you could have only been free you'd have listened to reason
Before you had wasted our time

Well it's going to be different this time

There'll be no more running away
No more missing that midnight train
They go so much faster now days
And good thing cause you need to behome before light
It won't be easy at first but you're bound to get used to it sometime
It's only for the rest of your life

...It shouldn't be so hard to understand, afterall, i only have to think this way for the rest of my life...Lord, please help me do it.

Part 1: Love

There's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less...what's that all about? yes, its a beautiful phrase, but most of the time i don't feel like i want to be loved by anyone, let alone God. I know that God loves me, but it's hard enough to accept that my parents love me. Lets just say that I don't have the best relationship with my dad. In 15 years of living in Dallas, he has come to visit me 4 times. He doesn't call on my birthday or send gifts. He never calls me on the phone, he always lets my stepmom do that stuff. So maybe I don't understand that unconditional love thing because I always tried to prove that I was lovable...that I was worthy of being accepted by him. Most of the time I forget about how things are because I throw myself into work or friends or my mom's family...but it still gets me every now and then. Watching the Rob Bell video this morning brought it all back...that my own father has never said that to me...there's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. And all I could think about was how I would treat my own kids in that moment. That I would love them regardless because I know what it's like to be left alone. So I don't know how to mend all this and I'm aware that I can't heal my own heart, but I can want to be healed. I want to understand unconditional love...well, as much as I can as said in Ephesians...that I will never fully understand the love of God. I will focus on the fact that nothing can separate me from the Christ's love...and that it's okay to be loved.

That's what He's teaching me...what is He teaching you?

home free

T – Minus 3 hours and counting till I get on a plane to go home. It is a good thing to rest and that’s what I intend to do. I want to go places in basketball shorts with no makeup on and no shoes on my feet…you can do that kind of thing in Texas City, it’s pretty normal actually. Hopefully I’ll have plenty of stories when I get back…maybe even some good stuff for the book!

It’s been an exhausting week. I didn’t know where my friends were after the hurricane and I was stressed about other stuff…thank goodness God has met every need, stopped every worry, and shouldered every burden. We serve an awesome God. He is providing and protecting us all. He is more than the source of our sanity in this crazy world, He is our every breath. We will be more than fine. Matthew 11:28

I do have a prayer request for my friend Liz…she made it back to Dallas from New Orleans yesterday. She moved there after graduation, it’s actually been the place that feels most like home to her. In her own words she says that her heart is broken. She loves that city. She is doing all she can to help other hurricane victims by volunteering for the Red Cross. Just pray that she feels like she is helping…pray that God would heal her heart by caring for others. She’s the toughest kid I know...and I love her.

come home

michelle called yesterday to say that she the family she is staying with are all safe. she described the devastation to me, but all i could think was that she needs to just come back home. michelle moved to hattiesburg mississippi 2 weeks ago to start grad school at southern mississippi. she doesn't know whether her apartment survived...she moved all of her stuff from home to her new apartment. she drove to jackson mississippi on sunday morning and left me a message during church. at that time we just laughed about the randomness of the event, but as days passed, i now understand how serious the situation is. she only has one change of clothes and there is no power in the city. she had to drive to louisiana yesterday to put gas in her car.

i haven't heard from liz...she lives right off of the quarter in new orleans. i don't know if she made it to the superdome or not. she has been living in her grandparents' house since june. her grandparents have been in europe for the summer...they were scheduled to be home in october. i know they have lost their home.

my heart breaks for these families...its hard to look at the pictures. i wish michelle would just come home.

errors in judgment

most days i manage not to hurt myself...some days i make huge errors in judgment...like today for instance. i was tired of waiting for the copy machine to finish up so i decided to pass the time by balancing on a basketball. for a brief seconds i stood a whole foot taller until i lost my balance and my legs flew out from under me. that was a stupid decision and i don't know what made me want to get on it in the first place. laying there on the floor for a minute, i thought i had broken my arm. i felt like an idiot. i was just glad no one was there to see it.

i guess i manage to make questionable decisions on a daily basis-be it something i shouldn't say or being critical. and when i mess up or fall down, it seems i fall harder and faster than the time before. sometimes people aren't around to catch my screw ups, but i'm glad when they do see me for what i really am. i'm human and i shouldn't try to be something i'm not. the fact of the matter is i spaz out atleast 4 times a day...and thankfully i'll have the bruises to remind me of that for the next week or so. with that said, here's to making better decisions for tomorrow and a good nights sleep...i don't think i can lay on my left side.

inaugural post

i suggested this form of free expression and creativity to daniel this afternoon...thats pretty much all i think about all day, free expression and creativity. (that was a joke and it was hilarious!) hopefully you will get to get to know more about me, my likes and dislikes, my complete disdain for doug christie, and my favorite wattage of light bulb...all the good stuff. so as this is the very first post on this amazing blog, i will tell you about my incredible day.

i spent the morning dodging the grown-ups at work. i do believe they like me, but sometimes i wonder. its a good thing my office is upstairs. i didn't know that weekday preschool was starting today either. i walked into the building and was immediately hit with crying babies. i mean it, one of the babies actually hit me, well, i don't think it was on purpose, but if he were older i would think about pressing charges.

john and i took some kids up chick-fil-a for lunch...that was interesting. i didn't know i could eat that fast and take video at the same time...if that doesn't make sense, just be in sunday school on sunday. i did spend the afternoon doing good stuff, or stuff that i like to do. all of that is classified information for the time being. all in all it was just another manic monday.

so, here's to the randomness of all mondays...atleast i didn't have to start school today. i will leave you as i seek out what is good and right in the world of fitness...the ladies of america are working out across the street from me (my gym rules). i have to work out today because if not, i wake up at 4:30 in the morning for no apparent reason...if that happens, i'll let you know.