All this time i thought it was everyone else...it was easier to blame other people than to think i had the problem. who wants to say they are broken and more than that, who wants to go through the pain of getting fixed. how much more painful...embarrassing is it to say they don't know what they are doing. I feel like i should be part of a 12 step program although i don't know all the steps. if you don't know what that is, you don't need to know. but like someone that has a broken bone or is sick, i need to get better before i can get back to normal. so i'm not ready for anything, but God. and i say that for no one else, but me. i need to say it...i need to be reminded and held accountable. my friends have been thinking it for 2 years. it seems like i am honest with everyone else, but myself...and it slowly eats away at the sanity i have left. if the only thing i have at the end of this life is that i guarded my heart, it's more than i started out with. how will i ever be intrusted with another person's heart when i don't know how to treat my own?
And i should've seen the signs...i like sharyl crow, i can't watch chick flicks, i can't be touched and forget about the idea of kissing. i bail. Amy has told me that I'm not normal and she's 100% right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone and more than that, i'm afraid of someone seeing the real me. so i'll agree to hang out, but my mind will be a million miles away. i'm not sure how this will work, but i have to say that i'm no where near being what i project myself to be.
Here's to being what God intended me to be...thats all i can do. i'm through with my own expectations, my parents expectations and the rest of my family. where there is brokeness, there is always restoration...consider me a broken cistern.
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