stating the obvious

its amazing that God would ever want us. yes, he created us with all of this care and love, but after sin entered the picture and Jesus all took care of it, its amazing that God would still want us. i have the most trouble accepting grace. it's like someone getting you flowers for no reason, sending a card, or a free cup of coffee. and i am by no means saying that a cup of joe is anything like being saved from hell and damnation, but if i'm having a hard time with coffee, i have a difficult time with grace. and the point is just to take it i guess, but it doesn't get any easier for me for some reason. most of the time i think that i have friends and family i don't deserve but i have them here when i send out my version of the bat signal. and God is all in their responses to me and the same things they tell me are all what's spoken to my heart.

i finally realized something about God...something i already knew really but never wanted to say outloud. just a couple of weeks ago my best friends moved away to florida. and i remember thinking to my self as i drove home after leaving them that God's love is real, beautiful, holy, and overwhelming. i realized that there was no by-chance meeting that i met them and we became friends. we were family from the start and that's how i know God is real. i know that His love is real because standing in the driveway crying my eyes out with amy, it wasn't the first time we had cried like that together. there will be many more times to laugh and throw cake in each others faces and maybe even tears, but i love her with what God gives to me to give away.

that might seem disheartening to hear from me that i finally am beginning to understand God's love, but i guess i allowed myself not to be moved by God's authenticity. and its not something i am proud of, but i have to be honest about it. when so much of life becomes a routine, it just happens even though we take preventative measures. and so i owe it to myself to experience God's love even though i will never fully understand it (Ephesians 3), i want to try to.

wow...it's taken me two weeks to write that entry and i'm back to square one...just me again, but i will be okay. thank goodness God sees wounds instead of me having to point them out all of the time. we'll get there...