galveston part 1

these are a few photographs of the places i love the most in galveston...the strand, my grandmother's house and the first church i ever attended. i will add more photographs soon! in the mean time, let me know what you think!

beautiful disaster

well...it has been an insane month and due to circumstances out of my control, i decided to walk away from the job i've loved for the last year. i still believe in the organization and what they do for children however i can't help but be disappointed in the decisions they are making when it comes to staff. and knowing i did nothing wrong, i can confidently say that i showed grace to those who chose to be not friends but enemies. it pains me a great deal to think that the instigator in all of this melodrama calls themselves an absolute lover of Christ. i can't pretend to know that person's heart, however, i know that it is not hidden from God. i believe that satan took joy in seeing me struggle but God has as always been my refuge and deliverer. i refuse to be angry, bitter, distraught, or scared of the future because God has given me more than a hope, but faith and a future. He placed this call on my life this time 5 years ago. it is encouraging to know that this month of absurdity has been brought to an end and i have more confidence in my God more than ever. i can't help but think this is an amazing opportunity and turning point in my life to achieve everything i've ever dreamt of and so i faithfully follow God's leading to publish my book and pursue photography full time. this is actually the second time in 2 years that i've quit my job to complete my writing work and being older and more willing to listen (probably not so wise), i embark on this journey. God has taught me how to love my enemies and bless and pray for them. i have learned how to fast and pray without ceasing. i have learned what it is to be mistrusted, gossiped about, and maybe even hated and it is not because of anything i did or said but because satan wanted a battle. i do not feel as though i have less dignity by walking away but more self control than those who began this unwarranted fight. and i wholeheartedly believe that i stood up for myself and my rights to not be harassed in the workplace any longer. and guys...if you ask a girl out at work and she says no, it doesn't mean you can wait it out...if no means no today, then that goes for tomorrow, too. life is hard enough...we don't all need to be enemies especially when its a last resort to keep ourselves busy. so i'm completely finished with this updated "mean girls" parody of my life. Anywho, my new boss is fabulous and she lets me wear hats to work.

i write this to show you that its not worth the interruption of being angry or self involved...that is such a dangerous, egotistical, little cocktail. we all have things to live for and i pray that it is Christ sooner rather than later. God save us all from ourselves...we are our own worst enemies. You are the only thing true and glorious in this life...please bless this humble attempt to do the right thing. love God love people.

and i thank you all for the constant encouragement and support through these few weeks. thank you for praying with me, crying with me, spending time, and not laughing at me...there are no words to express my gratitude. i am truly blessed to have your love and you have carried my burdens. and i have to thank my grandparents, mom, dad, other momma and my sister for dropping everything to be with me. you know the beat of my heart and i pray that i make you proud because you have made me all i am...i do not even know what it is to be malicious or untruthful and that is because of you. i always remain mindful that i have a brother and sister at home who learn from the things i experience. so i believe that God is glorified in this situation because he is right, just, and loving. and you have all been Christ to me. God bless you all.

cyclops

well it comes at no surprise that with the thanksgiving holiday coming up, i wanted to have a few amigos over to chill. being the aspiring hostess i am i set to work on a pumpkin cheesecake. i eagerly started working on the recipe and thankfully i accomplished my goal with a little snafu. apparently when i was unwrapping cream cheese in the foil package, i must have had a little piece of it on my hand or from the baking pan. well, when i went to wash my face later that evening, i somehow got the little shard of metal caught in my eye and it scratched the bottom of the eye pretty bad. needless to say i was not able to sleep very well sunday night and decided to make an appointment to see the optometrist. in a matter of a few minutes the doctor had put dye in my eye, numbed it, and finally found the culprit...a small yet painful piece of metal. what a day! i hope this is the only bump in the road this thanksgiving week. maybe i'll laugh about it when i don't have to put those eye drops in anymore. i am convinced that this kind of thing only happens to me!

soap box session

so i'm thinking that work is overrated however the kids aren't...lest we not forget the children and leave the pettiness behind but it is impossible to do when you only work with women. so much is lost on me.

in other news i was told that i was not so hip-hop yesterday. one of the witty little ones i work with made a comment about my belt not matching my shoes yesterday and in his defense they were part of an ensemble but they did not match exactly. well, the kiddo proceeded to tell me that i was not hip-hop but it might work on BET at which time another kiddo said that i should be on the BET awards this year...presenter, recipient...i don't know but i do know that they are hilarious and i love them dearly and it is all about them and no one else.

we are lucky to serve them and shape their futures and just because we have chosen this path does not make us good, but instead more a part of a larger life experience. just because we give clothes and donate toys does not mean that we above anyone...i wish we could understand that we are to bear one another's burdens and do unto others...i wish we could go and do and love and support and listen and sympathize and refrain from judging. we have to be the change. i will be the change i would like to see and to heck with the people who hate that...its not me they really hate. do the math...it will won't ever be about us...let's think beyond ourselves...it might makes us all less petty.

1st Anniversary

As you can probably imagine, work was absolutely insane today. It was during a very tense situation that I realized I actually had been doing this social work thing for a year...crazy. I NEVER intended to be anything other than a writer, but this has been one good year. Yes, there have been ups and downs, but it has been worth it to see little people succeed in school. And I am reminded just how desperate people really are who do not know Christ...it can get a little too real sometimes. But we have to do for people whether they may make a good decision or not, we have to give to them. We can't possibly know if someone is worthy of help, we don't have the power to pass judgment on a situation, but if we help them see that they have options and support then they will eventually acknowledge an alternative. Its difficult to give to people who sometimes think that the world is out to get them, but I'm so thankful that my job doesn't give me a choice in the matter. This job is completely about everyone else but me...I need to remember that.

Cue the "We Are the World" Music...It's Real!

circa 1991

grace is an amazing opportunity to realize that forgiveness is beautiful. in 1991, my dad essentially stopped being my dad as i knew him. he became someone else...a husband to a new woman, a father to a new girl, and a stranger to me. and it has taken discussions, tears, phone calls, visits, and countless prayers to restore our relationship. it actually began to mend when i was a junior in college because i started to let go of the resentment and accept that i could not change the past. thankfully, my dad has in the last year or so let go of stress and become a man who leads his family by example. God has brought us back together and for the first time in 10 years, we went to church as a family this passed weekend. i never thought that the Lord would dream a new beginning for us, but we either all get on board or let it pass us by. we are all in this together, not because of passed mistakes, but instead to witness the intense mercy and love of Christ. His love endures forever.

The Patch

this was taken saturday at the arboretum. i can't believe we had never been to a pumpkin patch before. this is the greatest time of the year!

sound bite

Here is the Randomness of the Week:

"You're an Ugly Pony!"

"Do you date 4's or 5's?"
"I mostly date homeless 5's but they have to have a beard"

"Barrio Crazy"

"It's Real" - Apparently this only makes sense in Louisiana...trust me, i tried it out and it did not happen for me.

I know that these are all unique to circumstances but i had to share them because they make me laugh so hard. I was actually writing an email today when I started laughing out loud at the "ugly pony" comment. i'm sure i will have more next week...until then...

turn, turn, turn

i spent saturday afternoon celebrating my 95 year old aunt’s birthday. incredible. i have yet to see anyone so happy to light candles, see cake, be thankful for life in general and i believe that she gets it. there is always a bit of tension between my grandmother and her sister because as many 95 year old women often do, she forgets things...important things like her husband dying, accusing people of stealing from her, forgetting where she should go next, but yet she lives and lives well.

as we were singing happy birthday and i snapped away as always (my granddaddy hired me to chronicle the event), i began to think about the first person that who displayed that kind of passion...Mary...yes, Mary Taft was an amazing girl who became my first friend when i moved to carrollton. it was the first day of 4th grade and i was a nobody...a chubby nobody at that, and i sat next to Mary by choice. she had her white-ish, blonde hair pulled back in a long braid, she wore a red dress and had something no one else in the class had...an oxygen tank. Mary had cystic fibrosis, but she loved life. over the next few years we went to the movies, had parties, formed secret societies, and had sleepovers. i learned about breathing levels, feeding tubes, lung transplants and friendship...she had it all. we were in the grocery store when the news came. my nemesis and foe walked right up to us and said Mary was dead...she had passed away on friday and it was sunday. i just remember collapsing inside my mother’s arms. she lead me through the checkout line, her hands over my ears as i stood and cried uncontrollably.

later we found out that Mary’s lung transplant was a success. she learned to swim for the first time in her life, she was able to rollerblade and run...she had truly been able to do it all in such a short period of time. she lived well. and today after all the good stories and plethora of hugs and kisses, i could see my aunt lydia and that familiar sense of self that though she knew she wouldn’t be around forever, she was living now, in the present...what a great thing to see.

just as a side note...i knocked my nemesis’ front teeth out on the playground the next year...a complete accident...she’s not a walking toothless wonder though; she had them fixed. yeah, she’s in the book.

what now?

so i’ve never listened to a book on tape at any point during my life. don’t know why...just didn’t see the need. i think it was probably the inability to connect with a person reading an author’s work. and so i am listening to Sex God from rob bell...i finally had to turn it off today because i was having such an intense, personal examination around 7:45am...a little dangerous for this girl. but praise God for letting me think about personality, generalizations, and the human condition...my own depravity. and there is such a need for a reminder of just how amazing this relationship between God and his creation really is. it is so much of a mystery. the very possibility that i would bring God joy...too much.

i have friends who are finally expecting the arrival of a baby within the next few days and i begin to think about how their lives have truly changed because of this new, beautiful preparation. and as marriage and children get closer and closer to me, my friends, i feel the need to explore more of my role as a woman as God intended it to be...what he designed me for. i never thought it would be possible for me to love children so much and everyone time it happens its like i step outside of myself and into a loving light...it is so much different than any way i have ever been...it is new.

i feel like i know everything...about myself, everyone, you...truly arrogant...i don’t...i don’t know anything because i am learning so much about my heart that i never knew existed...there is patience everyday. so i’m not ashamed to say that this is all new but it is like home to me. i’ve always been so afraid of wanting to be a mom...i don’t know why...maybe i just wanted to be cool...or i just didn’t think i could do it as well as it needed to be done...so we’ll see. i’m not so afraid of that anymore. how could i not want that in my life?

ice cream sandwhich!

i'm totally related to the guy who would get an ice cream sandwhich tattooed on his leg! if only i were as dedicated! seriously!

city slickers

well...we made it back from our little family camping trip...it was actually our family reunion with 200 relatives no less. yes, we have a HUGE family and we did it right this time. of course there were ants in our bed, fights with my grandparents, and hours of sweating it out in the sun watching horse shoes and vollleyball, but we survived! thank goodness its all over until next labor day weekend. i've never worked so hard and not gotten paid for it, but it was worth it as i type on my lovely apple computer in my air conditioned house. i did manage to take a few photos of the weekend. the new babies make it all worth the effort. enjoy the kids carnival!

jessica garza photography!

well after some thought, i've decided to take a chance and try my hand at this photography deal. please check out the new site and let me know what you think. i might even ask a few of you to pose for me! here's to the future! you can find jessica garza photography at http://web.mac.com/jessicagarza

puff in stuff

What a Week! It's been completely insane up at work and life at home is a little crazy as well. I'm ready for the weekend! I'm so excited that I get to see Jenn, i'm living with lisa for the next 48 hours & high school musical comes out friday...totally pysched about it. and i will have to make a brief appearance at the party for tim...not to worry because that will not get in the way of my girls weekend!

in other news, i had the pleasure of being at nate's surprise party a few weeks back and i finally worked on the pictures from the fiesta! here a few of my faves!

back to normal

getting back to work with my actual colleagues has been more fun that i ever imagined. it is an incredible feeling to know that we all have the same heart and passion for the kids that we serve on a daily basis. now, after 10 months of being on the job, i feel as though i could never do anything else. it is much different than being on staff at a church and i have finally embraced that rather than rejecting the lost. i am more aware that people live for survival sake alone and it is a welcome change from teenagers and their ipods...the needy don't disappear because we don't acknowledge them and when its all said and done i would like to be associated with this bunch of beautiful people than any other...they are my people and we are no different. i pray that this year we are able to make a difference to the community because we have a heart for this work. love god love people.

Queen for a Day!

well...the party was a great success with plenty of food left over. it was great to have family come from california and oklahoma, too. i'm just glad this only happens once every 85 years!

more more more!

life has been a bit slower the last few weeks and therefore i have been able to work on some of the photos from the trip! as you can see they are all in b&w which is my most favorite thing in regards to photography...enjoy!
my sister & me waiting for our taxi

getting a little crazy at dinner

my first endeavor with the telelphoto

my parents

This Saturday!!!

the week is finally here! my family has been preparing for my grandmother’s 85th birthday bash for quite some time. we have so many things to finalize before saturday not to mention the out-of-town guests, but i’m sure it will all come together with the help of my mother and my aunt. it will most surely be a day to remember.

my grandmother has been affectionately referred to as somewhat of a diva. and this party has brought out her true colors, but we love her and it is hilarious, although, i feel a bit sorry for my grandfather. regardless, she knows exactly what she wants and hopefully she will be surprised and pleased...in a new outfit no less.

i’m getting the great grandkiddos together today for a quick shoot for my project for the party...we’ll see how those photos turnout and whether or not the kids make it or if i have to fulfill one of my empty threats up until this point. i am very excited though because it is one of my best first big endeavors in regards to my new photography interests and i hope that the pictures are good enough to add to a portfolio. the point is that its totally worth it for Lita’s Party...so fabulous!

cruise mishaps

so the cruise was beyond fabulous and i am totally planning the next one...cruises aren't just for grandparents anymore. we (the fam) were able to snorkel in both cayman and cozumel...but the trip highlight for me was swimming with the stingrays in cayman. it was an incredible experience. AND on tuesday night there was a huge dance party for everyone on the boat...it was a mardi gras party and people got crazy...it was probably one of my top 5 nights ever! so exciting!

my sister and i roomed together but my brother was the real character on the boat. we were able to have breakfast and lunch together a couple of times and we had all the intentions in the world to order room service, but sadly we ran out of time.

i'd like to say it was all smooth sailing, but of course, being the total spaz that i am i had a few memorable incidents on and off the boat. the first came on thursday morning in grand cayman when we were standing in line for our exercusion. my dad went inside a nice little store to grab some water for the day and just about that time i turned to my stepmom to tell her i felt sick. i ran up the steps to the store (there was a giant fake pirate in the doorway and i didn't want to fall on it) to look for a bathroom, but when i got into the store i realized that i could see less and less every passing moment...i was about to pass out. i managed to yell my dad's name while trying to hold myself up at that store counter. my poor dad picked me up and forced me to drink water and when i came to i was completely soaked...not bad for having 2 hours sleep, being dehydrated, etc. i was the first girl to blackout in that store!

on friday morning i awoke from my 2 hour long power nap to wash my face and brush my teeth and i was used to the boat moving a bit, but i actually realized that we were in a port so the boat would not be moving...anyways...i stumbled into the tiny little bathroom and lost my footing and all sensibility and threw myself into the shower wall. i just laid there and laughed...my shoulder hurt for 3 days.

lastly, the last night my brother was rather rude and made the mistake of burping in my face so i grabbed the skin under his chin and held it until he apologized to me. i want to be clear that i wasn't near his throat or neck...it was fitting with our foghorn leghorn theme of the vacation. "i say, i say boy!"

as things come to me i will post but i'm just getting my sleep patterns back in the swing of things...i'm still exhausted, but super happy!

random story of the day

so after our board meeting this morning, we took a group to grab some breakfast before going home and right in the middle of the restaraunt one of our kids makes antisemtic remark and then proceeds to sing and dance to Hava Nagila...we will not be going back there again.

sooo close

well, we are 4 days and counting until the caribbean getaway with my family and i feel like i have to do so much in this short amount of time that i’m afraid it won’t all get done. work is crazy...i have a board meeting, closeouts, and testing. and on the friend front, i have a bachelorette party and then i'm flying in early to houston for a night of "girls weekend" with jenn...and maybe it doesn’t sound like much, but i’m trying to get packed for 10 days...that’s so something a girl would say. all good problems to have...

i’m just ready for the swimming with dolphins and watching my brother go down a zip-line for the first time...laying on the beach and wearing a swimsuit all day long. and i think we all need this so much right now. it will be so good for us to just be...be ourselves...be together...be a family.

and i haven’t made a cruise playlist yet or picked a catch phrase for the trip (complete nerds...just something we like to do)...and i haven’t decided on the inappropriate phrase i will dare my bro & sis to say at dinner with strangers...although i’m leaning towards “sucka”. totally old school, i know but i heard it tonight on tv and it was hella funny...just think of it...“what time is dinner, sucka?” and then respond with a “i’m rick james”. i know i would get in so much trouble for the rick james comment from my parents, but its totally worth the risk. it will all work out...only 4 days away from paradise.

fashion tip of the day: fork over the money for a good powder bronzer...i would recommend the new smashbox product...it not only gives you a tan but a glow, too...never underestimate a the power of a beautiful glow!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy Birthday Momma! There are no words...love love love you! Just in case you forgot, you're the baby on the left! xoxoxo

MAYER

well...this being somewhere around the 5th or 6th time i've seen johnny mayer...it was fantastic as usual and if we had better seats we would've literally been in the VIP section! that's totally not even luck just evidence that God knows how much me and alli love john...jk. ben folds was great as well...just a great time to witness insane talent. and the weather...perfect! it was definitely the first time i focused on the music instead of sweating the entire time...i was actually freezing because we were right under the fans. and we definitely heard some wisdom from the headliner about life...he's genius...that story is best shared in person. still recovering from the experience...the greatest! i apologize for the video being shakey, but i was dancing!
john mayer

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Ocho, where you at?

so i’ve done that math and this is first time i haven’t been to camp in 13 years...yes, my life is sooo dangerous! i worked that figure while multi-tasking at work...right. well, i can’t believe that it has been such a big part of my summers although i probably should’ve been fired for some of the junk i pulled on a few of the trips. so here’s to great dance parties in the condos at padre and looking for your buses...bus #8. Do it right my friends...this is the week you dream about!

i would advise you to not set mattresses on fire, do not ever think a food fight is a good idea (you’re welcome), never get involved in a police chase in amarillo, do not steal golf carts and think there are no security cameras, never take more dramamine than you need, do not say racial slurs in the cafeteria at LA Tech, never have a dance party on a moving bus, do not break your flip flops and walk around the streets of colorado in bare feet (you’d probably fit in), never hide from the student minister, never let stroube kick anything in your room or come up with party games, NEVER sleep on the balcony of your condo and let your counselor FLIP OUT because she can’t find you (seriously...still mad about that one) and never disobey Mary...MARY!

this little entry solidifies my place in the nerd hall of fame, but i am never at a loss for stories...i know you’re jealous! here are a few unauthorized photos from the past two years!


fashion tip of the day: do not be afraid to wear converse and let your hair be wavy/curly. you might just achieve the homeless look you are going for!

juneteenth

in an effort to redeem myself and my lack of festivities for the juneteenth celebration, i decided to dedicate time to the holiday. the majority of you know that i’m writing a book...yes...still in the process two years later...enough of goals unmet. there is a chapter in the book entitled “i don’t celebrate juneteenth”...it was my favorite chapter to write out of everything. my writing workshop at the time tried to talk me out of the title and i caved for a while, but i can no longer censor that part of myself....it is a fact that i don’t celebrate juneteenth.

traumatic experience elluded to and now explained...the story begins in the summer of 1992 (cue the paula abdul “forever your girl” track) when i was living with my dad and stepmom. as in most cases, i’d gotten a fabulous swimsuit at the beginning of the summer. it was a one piece, but precious...red with purple, green, and blue flowers on it and i know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t some kmart look-alike pattern, we went to marshall fields for this baby. and it had a bright purple sash...i was in love with that sash. i happened to go swimming at the rec center indoor pool because i was so serious about the sport (i blame the olympics and my father). this particular day there was a pageant...yes, a pageant which fascinated me (think olive in little miss sunshine), but it was only for african american girls...oh the humanity. my poor dad had to explain the reason i couldn’t enter because i would absolutely postive i could take the crown! back to swimming, i swam to take my mind off of the juneteenth pageant and while i was getting dressed in the locker room afterwards, i turned around to pick up my swimsuit and it was gone...disappeared into thin air...but who would’ve taken my beautiful suit, so fabulous with the purple sash.

it wasn’t until the following day that i saw one of the girls in the pageant with her younger sister...they were going swimming...you see where this is going. the younger girl had my swimsuit on and i’m not one to speculate, but i marched right out to the pool and told my dad about the girl who had stolen my suit...thus explains the mystery of why i do not and will not celebrate juneteenth. i believe i am totally justified.

fashion tip of the day...don’t be afraid of wife beaters and i’m speaking specifically about the item of clothing i’m all about bold statements today...must be wednesday!

clarity

so i feel more like myself every day being that i've taken time to do the things i really enjoy and thankfully now i have the technology to do it. so here's to a new era of seeing the world in 3x5's...i've felt more clarity today than i have in the last 3 weeks. it feels good...about time...

seriously

so amy and i haven't lived in the same city in an entire year...insane if you ask me and yet i feel like we haven't changed. yes, circumstances, addresses, and purses change but we are still the same at the heart. and i could never put into words how much i adore her and her family. i actually don't recall the first time we met because we have always been so close and i honestly don't know if i would be the same person if it wasn't for them. she has been there to cry with me in the middle of a dark room, in the driveway, in the garage, and at church (no, i'm not always crying). but she has been there with me through every difficult decision, every good thing, everything and it is amazing to me that God allows us to have relationships like that in our lives. i am so glad that i didn't expect this unexpected gift because there is no way to explain the gift i've been given. and i'm excited for the little people that she and cj are raising because they are becoming extraordinary little people. and i would only pray to be as good a mother as she is. sometimes the unexplainable happens and you have everything you need...especially when thinking about something or someone that you've lost.

my lito

it was my the spring semester of my junior and i was going back to baylor. i had been through the difficulties of coming to terms with all the learning disabilities along with rebounding from my depression and i was ready to try it all again. i stood next to him and held his hands while he prayed over me before i left. and when he started to pray that i would make it through and graduate he began to cry. in that moment, i knew that he had become so much more than my lito...we have golfed together, ridden elephants, chased tornados, and we have done life together and done it well.

my grandfather has driven a school bus for the last 15 years. i can remember the first time he drove me on my first field trip. i sat right behind him and talked to him until we arrived at our destination. it was field day at standridge stadium and i was in the 6th grade. he could’ve left and come back when he was scheduled to pick us up, but he stayed and watched everything with me. even when i was in high school he would sign up to take the drill team to our away games so that he could be there to see me perform. and i would take my seat right behind him like always and talk to him all the way. looking back now, i was always so proud of him being there. he didn’t have to sign up for the trips or videotape the performances...he had already done so much more than my real dad. it would’ve been enough to know he was in the stands and it is still enough. he has been there for every dance recital, piano and violin concert, every birthday, moving day, graduation day and every other day i’ve needed him. he even dropped me off at dance class while he was in the midst of having a heart attack.

and as much as i have learned from lito already, i am constantly absorbing more. i understand that he makes time for his church, my grandmother, and the family although they all come second to the relationship he has with Christ. the greatest example he will ever give to us is that of a Godly man and he is that and more. i can’t believe that he has been married to my grandmother for 57 years...they actually met in a bar one night while he was in the navy...he says she was just too beautiful to let her pass him by. and they have built an amazing life together that honors God and gives us hope.

and i know that if you asked anyone in my family about my grandpa they would all have the same things to share...that he has been there. my cousin aaron and i will forever be embattled in the question of who loves my lito & lita more...it’s me! he has not only filled in for the place my real father has left in my life, he has become the greatest dad i could ever ask for. he has graciously let me change his flat tires, allowed me to scratch his car, and carried me without asking questions. my mother and i never asked him to do it for me, but he has and for that i am forever grateful and humbled by his love, time, and legacy. Happy Father’s Day Toe...i love you.

the sick day

i indeed had to take a sick day today being that i looked like i was runover by a bus...i would say a car, but i a sucker for the dramatic effect. Lindsey and I went to lunch today where she broke the news that she is expecting...so fabulous! And after running around with her at the dollar store we split and had the rest of the afternoon to myself.

While I had very ambitious list of things to accomplish, i went a little alice in wonderland for a few minutes...not really knowing what to do next and therefore, i thought of only one thing...the Apple Store. i really wanted to get the top secret spill on the iPhone which comes out June 29th...and i realize that to many of you that means absolutely nothing but to me it is one step closer to knowing the Heart of God...well...maybe not that close but close enough for me to have one...soon.

and at the urging of a very wise friend who cancelled their myspace account in a complete act of faith for the one true way...facebook...i decided that i should follow suit and get one, too. just wanted to see what all the fuss was about and it seems to be going well so far. i will say it is much easier to manage and i've talked with people i never see...pretty cool.

I would like to say the past few days have been therapeutic and beautiful, but i've felt so incredibly confused and hurt. i was not prepared for the worst case scenario. after spending some time with the girls at day camp yesterday, they reminded me that i am a cool girl with so many things to offer and not just to one person, but many people in general. and i have to say thank you for the late night and early morning calls, texts, and emails. i am finally aware of what a self-centered person i am and you love me anyways in the midst of your own lives...going to work, raising families, getting married, etc. truly, your kindness is so deeply valued and respected...there are no words only love from this bruised little heart.

just a random word of fashion advice...there was freak down pour at willowbend mall today and i had on my jelly's on...yes, jelly's...they're not just for the 80's anymore...i casually walked to the car in the rain with a confident stride being that it was all okay...my jelly's were waterproof...because sometimes its not all about the way you look!

it's been a good afternoon...let's pray it stays that way...we'll see...

sleepless in dallas

so after a sleepless night i'm still trying to stay positive, but its so difficult...i will continue to pray

the breakup & restoration

i wasn’t aware of all the new breakup songs that are on top 40 radio. i don’t listen to too many of them because for lack of creativity they are depressing and cliche. and for the sake of embarrassment i did download a few in the last week...some sort of epiphany for what was to come. indeed. love is a mystery.

there is nothing like heartache to remind you that you are alive. ALIVE...living, coping, existing, wishing, wondering, hurting...BREATHING

and it seems like i’ve heard the same song before...and it repeats except you have no ability to press pause or stop it at all...love is a mystery.

i am not anyone or anything that God doesn’t intend me to be. i love and serve God with everything i have or so i try and he gives me life, experiences, joy. i am only a girl with a vision of what perfect love resembles and yet when i try to put it into human context, i am only reminded of the need for God’s grace and man’s depravity. i have made so many incredibly stupid mistakes in my life when it comes to relationships and just when i think they are far away i am reminded. so i hope for the day that someone says that they serve God with everything they are and they appreciate me for what i do as well...i wait for that someone who says my feet are beautiful for where they have been and where they have stood for the sake of Christ. i wait for the person who pursues me and listens to every mission trip story i have and is excited about every country i want to minister to. i wait for the man who will lead me in prayer before every date and every meal...before every big event and the silly small ones. i wait for the man who will fast, pray, and grow a beard. and i pray for the man who tells me i am important. i know he prays continually and has a heart for missions, preaching, and adoption. i will be inspired by the urgency he has to share the gospel. and i know he is fabulous and beautiful wherever he is. i feel as though he is coming from africa and he is walking...love is a beautiful mystery.

so as discouraged as i was when i first began to write, i am filled with the Lord’s hope and His heart to continue to have faith. And there will now be faith in my waiting and purposeful patience. and i believe that God wouldn’t have it any other way. afterall, the most important question i was ever asked by any boy was when i gave my heart to Jesus...that is the standard.

i will continue to be consumed with God’s Glory and Kindness. if the Lord continues to wake me up at 5am every morning, i will get out of bed. i will not be afraid to become the missionary he wants me to be. and i will enjoy the time i have been given here to do His work. and God continues to protect and LOVE me because he wants to and i will not take it for granted. i will be amazed. God is my healer, redeemer, and ultimate love.

my fave

i believe the picture speaks for itself. he is much cooler than the rest of us.

ramblings

fact: we are on the brink of summer and with that comes much change and transition...hopefully smooth. i believe that this summer will define more of who i am and who i want to be more than any other time in my life. yes, a bit melodramatic however it is true. yesterday was actually the 2 the two year mark since i graduated from baylor...time disappears and remains a mystery, and i have changed.

one of my greatest (selfish) fears before graduating was that i would not have the same opportunity to be mentored or mentor students. i was so afraid of change that i couldn't see the positive experiences that were to come or ask God for them, but God gave them to me anyways. and now, in this time of transition i feel as though i know better than to let my fears outweigh God's provision in my life. i see glimpses from time to time of the selfish girl who still wants to be protected and pruned and i know that my role is different now. i can feel God calling me back to my former role again...and i must be crazy but i am so excited.

and this excitement is mixed with sadness because the team is leaving. but they are going to live the great commission...incredible. i am more encouraged by their passion and trust that it has created a stirring in me to live as Christ commanded. my unintelligible ramblings are in earnest to share where God has lead us all and He continues to move among us if we only recognize the call. don't be afraid to answer because it will be uncomfortable...there is no greater comfort than that of the Father. He is everything glorious!

what a difference 7 years makes

I had the opportunity to speak this morning in front of our middle school students and i didn't intend to share such a personal time in my life. in fact, i had never actually talked about my freshman year of college in front of more than 3 people at one time. it was the darkest, loneliest place i have ever been and for obvious reasons i try to never think about it, but it just seemed like the right thing share. and it is less of an embarrassment now because back then i begged God not to leave me in that pit...and He didn't...He is Glorious and Holy.

And I want all of us to know that our justification for doing immoral things doesn't hinge on our circumstances. Our level of despair does not give us license to hurt anyone...including ourselves. and like i said this morning, our constant and consistent communication with God will only make situation better even if it is to know and fear God when there are no results to be found. I believe that God can save anyone because he has saved me so much from the lies i have told myself over and over again. His love exposes our motives, deceitfulness, and the intentions of our hearts. Hope still remains as does love and faith.

I can only encourage you to share and give what has been given to you. Those of you who feel the absence of anything godly should tell someone...we want to know and we need to know. Do not continue on this journey alone. We are here...I am here for you. Oh Love, that you would be glorified in our sacrifices and humility.

another year

happy birthday dad! we love you and i miss you! 70 days...we can't wait!

Lito's 80th Birthday!

My grandpa's 80th Birthday was awesome! Thanks to everyone who was able to come...it meant so much to him and to us! We are blessed!

switchfoot part deux

switchfoot dallas

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this was definitely a good night!

switchfoot tonight baby!

A little more than 7 hours until show time for switchfoot...i plan to take lots of pictures! amazing...super excited...fabulous!

new site

check out the new site & tell me what you think!
http://web.mac.com/jessicagarza
if you are not a mac user, the site is best viewed on firefox!

vague idea

with all that's gone on in the last month or so, i feel new. like i was just dropped here and left to find my way out...more like alice in wonderland than anything else. and i have help, you know...the same people that i always ask except they can't tell me what to do. what happened to all the cut and dry? black and grey? good and bad? it's too vague now...we're talking about leaving...me and all my personalities. and where is it all supposed to be? where is it that i'm supposed to be? and its funny because it used to terrify to ask these questions of myself, but now i feel as though they are necessary and comforting. and i'm not scared because love doesn't stop because our addresses change. i wish i could be more vague for you. and i'm more excited than i can say. and there is more clairity here in this place not because i know what will happen, but instead because i am not afraid to welcome the change that is inevitable. it is time to stop thinking about what i'm not (i'm not a well adjusted mother of 4, carpool and diet coke) and begin embracing what i have always been...me, alone and untangled. and that's not frightening anymore. so what changed? i may never know...but i have a slight idea. i will become all of them.

Day 1

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18