just a thought

do you ever wonder about the person that tries too hard? you know that guy who talks in circles and never answers questions directly? what's up with that guy? don't you ever want to say, "you're an educated guy and you still have trouble answering the fundamental precepts of faith." most of the time i feel as though we can see right through people like that. you know the kind that are so busy that it looks like they have everything under control. and really its killing them to keep up the charade of looking important. and i have to ask myself why those people want to have all the answers...i mean why do they want to solve everyone else's problems when they don't even acknowledge their own. so i guess we might always struggle with who we want to be and who we are meant to be. who are we pretending to be and what are we?

stars

driving home tonight i saw the moon...and i couldn't take my eyes off of it. i was driving towards the west and while i could see the remnants of the sunset, i had to tilt my head to the right to see the moon. i probably should've gotten into a wreck, but in my defense it was beautiful. knowing that God revels in His own Creation, i should be a part of that. i guess i have been thinking about the stars and moon alot lately. partly due to the new switchfoot album, partly because the view never gets old. so to correctly steal from the song, when i look at the stars, i feel like myself. check out the view if you have a chance...its amazing. and get the new cd, too.

Part 3: Love

All this time i thought it was everyone else...it was easier to blame other people than to think i had the problem. who wants to say they are broken and more than that, who wants to go through the pain of getting fixed. how much more painful...embarrassing is it to say they don't know what they are doing. I feel like i should be part of a 12 step program although i don't know all the steps. if you don't know what that is, you don't need to know. but like someone that has a broken bone or is sick, i need to get better before i can get back to normal. so i'm not ready for anything, but God. and i say that for no one else, but me. i need to say it...i need to be reminded and held accountable. my friends have been thinking it for 2 years. it seems like i am honest with everyone else, but myself...and it slowly eats away at the sanity i have left. if the only thing i have at the end of this life is that i guarded my heart, it's more than i started out with. how will i ever be intrusted with another person's heart when i don't know how to treat my own?

And i should've seen the signs...i like sharyl crow, i can't watch chick flicks, i can't be touched and forget about the idea of kissing. i bail. Amy has told me that I'm not normal and she's 100% right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone and more than that, i'm afraid of someone seeing the real me. so i'll agree to hang out, but my mind will be a million miles away. i'm not sure how this will work, but i have to say that i'm no where near being what i project myself to be.

Here's to being what God intended me to be...thats all i can do. i'm through with my own expectations, my parents expectations and the rest of my family. where there is brokeness, there is always restoration...consider me a broken cistern.

Part 2: Love

So what's wrong with this picture? I am okay with the idea that I struggle with God loving me, yet I think I am ready to conquer earthly love on my own. It's a mystery, really. Why can't I see that everything is flawed compared to the unfailing love of Christ? And I still want the earthly stuff. I STILL WANT THE EARTHLY STUFF!?! Yes, I know what it looks like, feels like, walks like, talks like, etc. And in those times where my idea of love fails, God finds me sitting in my closet on top of a pile of shoes, crying into a worn, gray sweatshirt. And he says, "Let me love you." He doesn't demand that I allow him to, nor does he have to coax me into it. And I still have a hard time saying yes to Him.

This time two years ago, I was a very different person. I was sure that I had met the person I was meant to be with forever. The problem was, he had a difficult time understanding God's unconditional love for him, too. So there was no way we ever had a chance...he had ever more hang-ups than i did. And while he is still a friend, i have a hard time accepting that it was no one's fault. And what I learned from that was, I should not chase what i do not understand. i need to be taught and not by anything of this world. yes, i have had my share of experiences and they have taught me many things, but i need to learn from the God that created love.

A friend suggested that I would like a certain musical artist...He sings a song called No More Running Away. Hopefully, that is the approach that I will be able to make a habit. Here are a few lyrics:

We've come to help you decide
How to spend the rest of your days and nights
We understand that you've tried it before and it froze you alive
And if you could have only been free you'd have listened to reason
Before you had wasted our time

Well it's going to be different this time

There'll be no more running away
No more missing that midnight train
They go so much faster now days
And good thing cause you need to behome before light
It won't be easy at first but you're bound to get used to it sometime
It's only for the rest of your life

...It shouldn't be so hard to understand, afterall, i only have to think this way for the rest of my life...Lord, please help me do it.

Part 1: Love

There's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less...what's that all about? yes, its a beautiful phrase, but most of the time i don't feel like i want to be loved by anyone, let alone God. I know that God loves me, but it's hard enough to accept that my parents love me. Lets just say that I don't have the best relationship with my dad. In 15 years of living in Dallas, he has come to visit me 4 times. He doesn't call on my birthday or send gifts. He never calls me on the phone, he always lets my stepmom do that stuff. So maybe I don't understand that unconditional love thing because I always tried to prove that I was lovable...that I was worthy of being accepted by him. Most of the time I forget about how things are because I throw myself into work or friends or my mom's family...but it still gets me every now and then. Watching the Rob Bell video this morning brought it all back...that my own father has never said that to me...there's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. And all I could think about was how I would treat my own kids in that moment. That I would love them regardless because I know what it's like to be left alone. So I don't know how to mend all this and I'm aware that I can't heal my own heart, but I can want to be healed. I want to understand unconditional love...well, as much as I can as said in Ephesians...that I will never fully understand the love of God. I will focus on the fact that nothing can separate me from the Christ's love...and that it's okay to be loved.

That's what He's teaching me...what is He teaching you?

home free

T – Minus 3 hours and counting till I get on a plane to go home. It is a good thing to rest and that’s what I intend to do. I want to go places in basketball shorts with no makeup on and no shoes on my feet…you can do that kind of thing in Texas City, it’s pretty normal actually. Hopefully I’ll have plenty of stories when I get back…maybe even some good stuff for the book!

It’s been an exhausting week. I didn’t know where my friends were after the hurricane and I was stressed about other stuff…thank goodness God has met every need, stopped every worry, and shouldered every burden. We serve an awesome God. He is providing and protecting us all. He is more than the source of our sanity in this crazy world, He is our every breath. We will be more than fine. Matthew 11:28

I do have a prayer request for my friend Liz…she made it back to Dallas from New Orleans yesterday. She moved there after graduation, it’s actually been the place that feels most like home to her. In her own words she says that her heart is broken. She loves that city. She is doing all she can to help other hurricane victims by volunteering for the Red Cross. Just pray that she feels like she is helping…pray that God would heal her heart by caring for others. She’s the toughest kid I know...and I love her.

come home

michelle called yesterday to say that she the family she is staying with are all safe. she described the devastation to me, but all i could think was that she needs to just come back home. michelle moved to hattiesburg mississippi 2 weeks ago to start grad school at southern mississippi. she doesn't know whether her apartment survived...she moved all of her stuff from home to her new apartment. she drove to jackson mississippi on sunday morning and left me a message during church. at that time we just laughed about the randomness of the event, but as days passed, i now understand how serious the situation is. she only has one change of clothes and there is no power in the city. she had to drive to louisiana yesterday to put gas in her car.

i haven't heard from liz...she lives right off of the quarter in new orleans. i don't know if she made it to the superdome or not. she has been living in her grandparents' house since june. her grandparents have been in europe for the summer...they were scheduled to be home in october. i know they have lost their home.

my heart breaks for these families...its hard to look at the pictures. i wish michelle would just come home.

errors in judgment

most days i manage not to hurt myself...some days i make huge errors in judgment...like today for instance. i was tired of waiting for the copy machine to finish up so i decided to pass the time by balancing on a basketball. for a brief seconds i stood a whole foot taller until i lost my balance and my legs flew out from under me. that was a stupid decision and i don't know what made me want to get on it in the first place. laying there on the floor for a minute, i thought i had broken my arm. i felt like an idiot. i was just glad no one was there to see it.

i guess i manage to make questionable decisions on a daily basis-be it something i shouldn't say or being critical. and when i mess up or fall down, it seems i fall harder and faster than the time before. sometimes people aren't around to catch my screw ups, but i'm glad when they do see me for what i really am. i'm human and i shouldn't try to be something i'm not. the fact of the matter is i spaz out atleast 4 times a day...and thankfully i'll have the bruises to remind me of that for the next week or so. with that said, here's to making better decisions for tomorrow and a good nights sleep...i don't think i can lay on my left side.

inaugural post

i suggested this form of free expression and creativity to daniel this afternoon...thats pretty much all i think about all day, free expression and creativity. (that was a joke and it was hilarious!) hopefully you will get to get to know more about me, my likes and dislikes, my complete disdain for doug christie, and my favorite wattage of light bulb...all the good stuff. so as this is the very first post on this amazing blog, i will tell you about my incredible day.

i spent the morning dodging the grown-ups at work. i do believe they like me, but sometimes i wonder. its a good thing my office is upstairs. i didn't know that weekday preschool was starting today either. i walked into the building and was immediately hit with crying babies. i mean it, one of the babies actually hit me, well, i don't think it was on purpose, but if he were older i would think about pressing charges.

john and i took some kids up chick-fil-a for lunch...that was interesting. i didn't know i could eat that fast and take video at the same time...if that doesn't make sense, just be in sunday school on sunday. i did spend the afternoon doing good stuff, or stuff that i like to do. all of that is classified information for the time being. all in all it was just another manic monday.

so, here's to the randomness of all mondays...atleast i didn't have to start school today. i will leave you as i seek out what is good and right in the world of fitness...the ladies of america are working out across the street from me (my gym rules). i have to work out today because if not, i wake up at 4:30 in the morning for no apparent reason...if that happens, i'll let you know.