puff in stuff

What a Week! It's been completely insane up at work and life at home is a little crazy as well. I'm ready for the weekend! I'm so excited that I get to see Jenn, i'm living with lisa for the next 48 hours & high school musical comes out friday...totally pysched about it. and i will have to make a brief appearance at the party for tim...not to worry because that will not get in the way of my girls weekend!

in other news, i had the pleasure of being at nate's surprise party a few weeks back and i finally worked on the pictures from the fiesta! here a few of my faves!

back to normal

getting back to work with my actual colleagues has been more fun that i ever imagined. it is an incredible feeling to know that we all have the same heart and passion for the kids that we serve on a daily basis. now, after 10 months of being on the job, i feel as though i could never do anything else. it is much different than being on staff at a church and i have finally embraced that rather than rejecting the lost. i am more aware that people live for survival sake alone and it is a welcome change from teenagers and their ipods...the needy don't disappear because we don't acknowledge them and when its all said and done i would like to be associated with this bunch of beautiful people than any other...they are my people and we are no different. i pray that this year we are able to make a difference to the community because we have a heart for this work. love god love people.

Queen for a Day!

well...the party was a great success with plenty of food left over. it was great to have family come from california and oklahoma, too. i'm just glad this only happens once every 85 years!

more more more!

life has been a bit slower the last few weeks and therefore i have been able to work on some of the photos from the trip! as you can see they are all in b&w which is my most favorite thing in regards to photography...enjoy!
my sister & me waiting for our taxi

getting a little crazy at dinner

my first endeavor with the telelphoto

my parents

This Saturday!!!

the week is finally here! my family has been preparing for my grandmother’s 85th birthday bash for quite some time. we have so many things to finalize before saturday not to mention the out-of-town guests, but i’m sure it will all come together with the help of my mother and my aunt. it will most surely be a day to remember.

my grandmother has been affectionately referred to as somewhat of a diva. and this party has brought out her true colors, but we love her and it is hilarious, although, i feel a bit sorry for my grandfather. regardless, she knows exactly what she wants and hopefully she will be surprised and pleased...in a new outfit no less.

i’m getting the great grandkiddos together today for a quick shoot for my project for the party...we’ll see how those photos turnout and whether or not the kids make it or if i have to fulfill one of my empty threats up until this point. i am very excited though because it is one of my best first big endeavors in regards to my new photography interests and i hope that the pictures are good enough to add to a portfolio. the point is that its totally worth it for Lita’s Party...so fabulous!

cruise mishaps

so the cruise was beyond fabulous and i am totally planning the next one...cruises aren't just for grandparents anymore. we (the fam) were able to snorkel in both cayman and cozumel...but the trip highlight for me was swimming with the stingrays in cayman. it was an incredible experience. AND on tuesday night there was a huge dance party for everyone on the boat...it was a mardi gras party and people got crazy...it was probably one of my top 5 nights ever! so exciting!

my sister and i roomed together but my brother was the real character on the boat. we were able to have breakfast and lunch together a couple of times and we had all the intentions in the world to order room service, but sadly we ran out of time.

i'd like to say it was all smooth sailing, but of course, being the total spaz that i am i had a few memorable incidents on and off the boat. the first came on thursday morning in grand cayman when we were standing in line for our exercusion. my dad went inside a nice little store to grab some water for the day and just about that time i turned to my stepmom to tell her i felt sick. i ran up the steps to the store (there was a giant fake pirate in the doorway and i didn't want to fall on it) to look for a bathroom, but when i got into the store i realized that i could see less and less every passing moment...i was about to pass out. i managed to yell my dad's name while trying to hold myself up at that store counter. my poor dad picked me up and forced me to drink water and when i came to i was completely soaked...not bad for having 2 hours sleep, being dehydrated, etc. i was the first girl to blackout in that store!

on friday morning i awoke from my 2 hour long power nap to wash my face and brush my teeth and i was used to the boat moving a bit, but i actually realized that we were in a port so the boat would not be moving...anyways...i stumbled into the tiny little bathroom and lost my footing and all sensibility and threw myself into the shower wall. i just laid there and laughed...my shoulder hurt for 3 days.

lastly, the last night my brother was rather rude and made the mistake of burping in my face so i grabbed the skin under his chin and held it until he apologized to me. i want to be clear that i wasn't near his throat or neck...it was fitting with our foghorn leghorn theme of the vacation. "i say, i say boy!"

as things come to me i will post but i'm just getting my sleep patterns back in the swing of things...i'm still exhausted, but super happy!

random story of the day

so after our board meeting this morning, we took a group to grab some breakfast before going home and right in the middle of the restaraunt one of our kids makes antisemtic remark and then proceeds to sing and dance to Hava Nagila...we will not be going back there again.

sooo close

well, we are 4 days and counting until the caribbean getaway with my family and i feel like i have to do so much in this short amount of time that i’m afraid it won’t all get done. work is crazy...i have a board meeting, closeouts, and testing. and on the friend front, i have a bachelorette party and then i'm flying in early to houston for a night of "girls weekend" with jenn...and maybe it doesn’t sound like much, but i’m trying to get packed for 10 days...that’s so something a girl would say. all good problems to have...

i’m just ready for the swimming with dolphins and watching my brother go down a zip-line for the first time...laying on the beach and wearing a swimsuit all day long. and i think we all need this so much right now. it will be so good for us to just be...be ourselves...be together...be a family.

and i haven’t made a cruise playlist yet or picked a catch phrase for the trip (complete nerds...just something we like to do)...and i haven’t decided on the inappropriate phrase i will dare my bro & sis to say at dinner with strangers...although i’m leaning towards “sucka”. totally old school, i know but i heard it tonight on tv and it was hella funny...just think of it...“what time is dinner, sucka?” and then respond with a “i’m rick james”. i know i would get in so much trouble for the rick james comment from my parents, but its totally worth the risk. it will all work out...only 4 days away from paradise.

fashion tip of the day: fork over the money for a good powder bronzer...i would recommend the new smashbox product...it not only gives you a tan but a glow, too...never underestimate a the power of a beautiful glow!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy Birthday Momma! There are no words...love love love you! Just in case you forgot, you're the baby on the left! xoxoxo

MAYER

well...this being somewhere around the 5th or 6th time i've seen johnny mayer...it was fantastic as usual and if we had better seats we would've literally been in the VIP section! that's totally not even luck just evidence that God knows how much me and alli love john...jk. ben folds was great as well...just a great time to witness insane talent. and the weather...perfect! it was definitely the first time i focused on the music instead of sweating the entire time...i was actually freezing because we were right under the fans. and we definitely heard some wisdom from the headliner about life...he's genius...that story is best shared in person. still recovering from the experience...the greatest! i apologize for the video being shakey, but i was dancing!
john mayer

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Ocho, where you at?

so i’ve done that math and this is first time i haven’t been to camp in 13 years...yes, my life is sooo dangerous! i worked that figure while multi-tasking at work...right. well, i can’t believe that it has been such a big part of my summers although i probably should’ve been fired for some of the junk i pulled on a few of the trips. so here’s to great dance parties in the condos at padre and looking for your buses...bus #8. Do it right my friends...this is the week you dream about!

i would advise you to not set mattresses on fire, do not ever think a food fight is a good idea (you’re welcome), never get involved in a police chase in amarillo, do not steal golf carts and think there are no security cameras, never take more dramamine than you need, do not say racial slurs in the cafeteria at LA Tech, never have a dance party on a moving bus, do not break your flip flops and walk around the streets of colorado in bare feet (you’d probably fit in), never hide from the student minister, never let stroube kick anything in your room or come up with party games, NEVER sleep on the balcony of your condo and let your counselor FLIP OUT because she can’t find you (seriously...still mad about that one) and never disobey Mary...MARY!

this little entry solidifies my place in the nerd hall of fame, but i am never at a loss for stories...i know you’re jealous! here are a few unauthorized photos from the past two years!


fashion tip of the day: do not be afraid to wear converse and let your hair be wavy/curly. you might just achieve the homeless look you are going for!

juneteenth

in an effort to redeem myself and my lack of festivities for the juneteenth celebration, i decided to dedicate time to the holiday. the majority of you know that i’m writing a book...yes...still in the process two years later...enough of goals unmet. there is a chapter in the book entitled “i don’t celebrate juneteenth”...it was my favorite chapter to write out of everything. my writing workshop at the time tried to talk me out of the title and i caved for a while, but i can no longer censor that part of myself....it is a fact that i don’t celebrate juneteenth.

traumatic experience elluded to and now explained...the story begins in the summer of 1992 (cue the paula abdul “forever your girl” track) when i was living with my dad and stepmom. as in most cases, i’d gotten a fabulous swimsuit at the beginning of the summer. it was a one piece, but precious...red with purple, green, and blue flowers on it and i know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t some kmart look-alike pattern, we went to marshall fields for this baby. and it had a bright purple sash...i was in love with that sash. i happened to go swimming at the rec center indoor pool because i was so serious about the sport (i blame the olympics and my father). this particular day there was a pageant...yes, a pageant which fascinated me (think olive in little miss sunshine), but it was only for african american girls...oh the humanity. my poor dad had to explain the reason i couldn’t enter because i would absolutely postive i could take the crown! back to swimming, i swam to take my mind off of the juneteenth pageant and while i was getting dressed in the locker room afterwards, i turned around to pick up my swimsuit and it was gone...disappeared into thin air...but who would’ve taken my beautiful suit, so fabulous with the purple sash.

it wasn’t until the following day that i saw one of the girls in the pageant with her younger sister...they were going swimming...you see where this is going. the younger girl had my swimsuit on and i’m not one to speculate, but i marched right out to the pool and told my dad about the girl who had stolen my suit...thus explains the mystery of why i do not and will not celebrate juneteenth. i believe i am totally justified.

fashion tip of the day...don’t be afraid of wife beaters and i’m speaking specifically about the item of clothing i’m all about bold statements today...must be wednesday!

clarity

so i feel more like myself every day being that i've taken time to do the things i really enjoy and thankfully now i have the technology to do it. so here's to a new era of seeing the world in 3x5's...i've felt more clarity today than i have in the last 3 weeks. it feels good...about time...

seriously

so amy and i haven't lived in the same city in an entire year...insane if you ask me and yet i feel like we haven't changed. yes, circumstances, addresses, and purses change but we are still the same at the heart. and i could never put into words how much i adore her and her family. i actually don't recall the first time we met because we have always been so close and i honestly don't know if i would be the same person if it wasn't for them. she has been there to cry with me in the middle of a dark room, in the driveway, in the garage, and at church (no, i'm not always crying). but she has been there with me through every difficult decision, every good thing, everything and it is amazing to me that God allows us to have relationships like that in our lives. i am so glad that i didn't expect this unexpected gift because there is no way to explain the gift i've been given. and i'm excited for the little people that she and cj are raising because they are becoming extraordinary little people. and i would only pray to be as good a mother as she is. sometimes the unexplainable happens and you have everything you need...especially when thinking about something or someone that you've lost.

my lito

it was my the spring semester of my junior and i was going back to baylor. i had been through the difficulties of coming to terms with all the learning disabilities along with rebounding from my depression and i was ready to try it all again. i stood next to him and held his hands while he prayed over me before i left. and when he started to pray that i would make it through and graduate he began to cry. in that moment, i knew that he had become so much more than my lito...we have golfed together, ridden elephants, chased tornados, and we have done life together and done it well.

my grandfather has driven a school bus for the last 15 years. i can remember the first time he drove me on my first field trip. i sat right behind him and talked to him until we arrived at our destination. it was field day at standridge stadium and i was in the 6th grade. he could’ve left and come back when he was scheduled to pick us up, but he stayed and watched everything with me. even when i was in high school he would sign up to take the drill team to our away games so that he could be there to see me perform. and i would take my seat right behind him like always and talk to him all the way. looking back now, i was always so proud of him being there. he didn’t have to sign up for the trips or videotape the performances...he had already done so much more than my real dad. it would’ve been enough to know he was in the stands and it is still enough. he has been there for every dance recital, piano and violin concert, every birthday, moving day, graduation day and every other day i’ve needed him. he even dropped me off at dance class while he was in the midst of having a heart attack.

and as much as i have learned from lito already, i am constantly absorbing more. i understand that he makes time for his church, my grandmother, and the family although they all come second to the relationship he has with Christ. the greatest example he will ever give to us is that of a Godly man and he is that and more. i can’t believe that he has been married to my grandmother for 57 years...they actually met in a bar one night while he was in the navy...he says she was just too beautiful to let her pass him by. and they have built an amazing life together that honors God and gives us hope.

and i know that if you asked anyone in my family about my grandpa they would all have the same things to share...that he has been there. my cousin aaron and i will forever be embattled in the question of who loves my lito & lita more...it’s me! he has not only filled in for the place my real father has left in my life, he has become the greatest dad i could ever ask for. he has graciously let me change his flat tires, allowed me to scratch his car, and carried me without asking questions. my mother and i never asked him to do it for me, but he has and for that i am forever grateful and humbled by his love, time, and legacy. Happy Father’s Day Toe...i love you.

the sick day

i indeed had to take a sick day today being that i looked like i was runover by a bus...i would say a car, but i a sucker for the dramatic effect. Lindsey and I went to lunch today where she broke the news that she is expecting...so fabulous! And after running around with her at the dollar store we split and had the rest of the afternoon to myself.

While I had very ambitious list of things to accomplish, i went a little alice in wonderland for a few minutes...not really knowing what to do next and therefore, i thought of only one thing...the Apple Store. i really wanted to get the top secret spill on the iPhone which comes out June 29th...and i realize that to many of you that means absolutely nothing but to me it is one step closer to knowing the Heart of God...well...maybe not that close but close enough for me to have one...soon.

and at the urging of a very wise friend who cancelled their myspace account in a complete act of faith for the one true way...facebook...i decided that i should follow suit and get one, too. just wanted to see what all the fuss was about and it seems to be going well so far. i will say it is much easier to manage and i've talked with people i never see...pretty cool.

I would like to say the past few days have been therapeutic and beautiful, but i've felt so incredibly confused and hurt. i was not prepared for the worst case scenario. after spending some time with the girls at day camp yesterday, they reminded me that i am a cool girl with so many things to offer and not just to one person, but many people in general. and i have to say thank you for the late night and early morning calls, texts, and emails. i am finally aware of what a self-centered person i am and you love me anyways in the midst of your own lives...going to work, raising families, getting married, etc. truly, your kindness is so deeply valued and respected...there are no words only love from this bruised little heart.

just a random word of fashion advice...there was freak down pour at willowbend mall today and i had on my jelly's on...yes, jelly's...they're not just for the 80's anymore...i casually walked to the car in the rain with a confident stride being that it was all okay...my jelly's were waterproof...because sometimes its not all about the way you look!

it's been a good afternoon...let's pray it stays that way...we'll see...

sleepless in dallas

so after a sleepless night i'm still trying to stay positive, but its so difficult...i will continue to pray

the breakup & restoration

i wasn’t aware of all the new breakup songs that are on top 40 radio. i don’t listen to too many of them because for lack of creativity they are depressing and cliche. and for the sake of embarrassment i did download a few in the last week...some sort of epiphany for what was to come. indeed. love is a mystery.

there is nothing like heartache to remind you that you are alive. ALIVE...living, coping, existing, wishing, wondering, hurting...BREATHING

and it seems like i’ve heard the same song before...and it repeats except you have no ability to press pause or stop it at all...love is a mystery.

i am not anyone or anything that God doesn’t intend me to be. i love and serve God with everything i have or so i try and he gives me life, experiences, joy. i am only a girl with a vision of what perfect love resembles and yet when i try to put it into human context, i am only reminded of the need for God’s grace and man’s depravity. i have made so many incredibly stupid mistakes in my life when it comes to relationships and just when i think they are far away i am reminded. so i hope for the day that someone says that they serve God with everything they are and they appreciate me for what i do as well...i wait for that someone who says my feet are beautiful for where they have been and where they have stood for the sake of Christ. i wait for the person who pursues me and listens to every mission trip story i have and is excited about every country i want to minister to. i wait for the man who will lead me in prayer before every date and every meal...before every big event and the silly small ones. i wait for the man who will fast, pray, and grow a beard. and i pray for the man who tells me i am important. i know he prays continually and has a heart for missions, preaching, and adoption. i will be inspired by the urgency he has to share the gospel. and i know he is fabulous and beautiful wherever he is. i feel as though he is coming from africa and he is walking...love is a beautiful mystery.

so as discouraged as i was when i first began to write, i am filled with the Lord’s hope and His heart to continue to have faith. And there will now be faith in my waiting and purposeful patience. and i believe that God wouldn’t have it any other way. afterall, the most important question i was ever asked by any boy was when i gave my heart to Jesus...that is the standard.

i will continue to be consumed with God’s Glory and Kindness. if the Lord continues to wake me up at 5am every morning, i will get out of bed. i will not be afraid to become the missionary he wants me to be. and i will enjoy the time i have been given here to do His work. and God continues to protect and LOVE me because he wants to and i will not take it for granted. i will be amazed. God is my healer, redeemer, and ultimate love.

my fave

i believe the picture speaks for itself. he is much cooler than the rest of us.

ramblings

fact: we are on the brink of summer and with that comes much change and transition...hopefully smooth. i believe that this summer will define more of who i am and who i want to be more than any other time in my life. yes, a bit melodramatic however it is true. yesterday was actually the 2 the two year mark since i graduated from baylor...time disappears and remains a mystery, and i have changed.

one of my greatest (selfish) fears before graduating was that i would not have the same opportunity to be mentored or mentor students. i was so afraid of change that i couldn't see the positive experiences that were to come or ask God for them, but God gave them to me anyways. and now, in this time of transition i feel as though i know better than to let my fears outweigh God's provision in my life. i see glimpses from time to time of the selfish girl who still wants to be protected and pruned and i know that my role is different now. i can feel God calling me back to my former role again...and i must be crazy but i am so excited.

and this excitement is mixed with sadness because the team is leaving. but they are going to live the great commission...incredible. i am more encouraged by their passion and trust that it has created a stirring in me to live as Christ commanded. my unintelligible ramblings are in earnest to share where God has lead us all and He continues to move among us if we only recognize the call. don't be afraid to answer because it will be uncomfortable...there is no greater comfort than that of the Father. He is everything glorious!

what a difference 7 years makes

I had the opportunity to speak this morning in front of our middle school students and i didn't intend to share such a personal time in my life. in fact, i had never actually talked about my freshman year of college in front of more than 3 people at one time. it was the darkest, loneliest place i have ever been and for obvious reasons i try to never think about it, but it just seemed like the right thing share. and it is less of an embarrassment now because back then i begged God not to leave me in that pit...and He didn't...He is Glorious and Holy.

And I want all of us to know that our justification for doing immoral things doesn't hinge on our circumstances. Our level of despair does not give us license to hurt anyone...including ourselves. and like i said this morning, our constant and consistent communication with God will only make situation better even if it is to know and fear God when there are no results to be found. I believe that God can save anyone because he has saved me so much from the lies i have told myself over and over again. His love exposes our motives, deceitfulness, and the intentions of our hearts. Hope still remains as does love and faith.

I can only encourage you to share and give what has been given to you. Those of you who feel the absence of anything godly should tell someone...we want to know and we need to know. Do not continue on this journey alone. We are here...I am here for you. Oh Love, that you would be glorified in our sacrifices and humility.

another year

happy birthday dad! we love you and i miss you! 70 days...we can't wait!

Lito's 80th Birthday!

My grandpa's 80th Birthday was awesome! Thanks to everyone who was able to come...it meant so much to him and to us! We are blessed!

switchfoot part deux

switchfoot dallas

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this was definitely a good night!

switchfoot tonight baby!

A little more than 7 hours until show time for switchfoot...i plan to take lots of pictures! amazing...super excited...fabulous!

new site

check out the new site & tell me what you think!
http://web.mac.com/jessicagarza
if you are not a mac user, the site is best viewed on firefox!

vague idea

with all that's gone on in the last month or so, i feel new. like i was just dropped here and left to find my way out...more like alice in wonderland than anything else. and i have help, you know...the same people that i always ask except they can't tell me what to do. what happened to all the cut and dry? black and grey? good and bad? it's too vague now...we're talking about leaving...me and all my personalities. and where is it all supposed to be? where is it that i'm supposed to be? and its funny because it used to terrify to ask these questions of myself, but now i feel as though they are necessary and comforting. and i'm not scared because love doesn't stop because our addresses change. i wish i could be more vague for you. and i'm more excited than i can say. and there is more clairity here in this place not because i know what will happen, but instead because i am not afraid to welcome the change that is inevitable. it is time to stop thinking about what i'm not (i'm not a well adjusted mother of 4, carpool and diet coke) and begin embracing what i have always been...me, alone and untangled. and that's not frightening anymore. so what changed? i may never know...but i have a slight idea. i will become all of them.

Day 1

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

restoring humanity

i cannot begin to explain how proud i am of our students this Christmas season. not only were they able to raise thousands of dollars to help families in need, they were able to give more than gifts...they gave many people hope. i thank you on behalf of the families i am blessed to work with on a daily basis. you can change lives...you have already done it!

congratulations theodore!

congratulations to my best friend for getting a new job...congratulations to me for calling about insurance...congratulations to us that we're still friends. and remember to help someone today and if you need help, ask for it...there is beauty in that...

consciousness

i didn't die coming home tonight
my sister was stupid enough to say a racial slur today
there are no magic coats in the world...only those who are stupid enough to pay $200 dollars and those more stupid to buy them
school will not be closed tomorrow
we have 4 coats left
i still have hope for jim and pam
O.R. loves hot cheetos...they all do
where did all the good people go?
early release is for hustlers
i think about it all the time

new page

although it has been a while since i have written here, i feel that i have learned more about the people i know and myself than any other time. and even though i at times miss the comfortable office and the idealist attitude that i have all the answers because i work in ministry i am so grateful that God has changed my mindset. maybe designing shirts and brochures and booking bands aren't where its at...cool as it may be and as much as i would like it to change my identity and make me more "spiritual", it would never be the right focus. working in this new place as an advocate for these kids has opened my eyes to what i have been missing. i met a girl today who just wanted more to eat. i know that she would not get a hot meal for dinner...i know she won't have clean clothes to wear to school tomorrow and i know that if she set foot in a church the other girls would ask her why she looked like that. and it breaks my heart that i can't fix the entire situation. i can only help her by meeting her needs one at a time. and so while i think that at times we need to spiritually energized, i have to wonder if we are really doing the right work if we don't see what is before us. the fact is that people are going hungry within 5 miles of where we all live, children have to parent themselves, and where does it all end? i'm glad that i don't have a comfortable chair to sit in anymore...i don't even have a desk chair or a desk for that matter. go where the people are. go with an attitude of love rather than change. God forbid we reproduce people just like us. let them see unconditional love...lets do the work we have prepared for.

mood:hopeful

it has been a crazy last month or so with job prospects and settling in to my own skin. it is amazing to me how much i need to trust God. i have gotten so far from it...immune almost to need. and well...i have to admit it. so i pray that God would make it increasingly difficult to live without Him. and even though i have even less than i started out with earlier this morning i am glad that someone is taking things away from me that do not contribute to who i am meant to be. so here''s to letting the little things remain little. it's just a mum, baseball glove, a job, and a friend. it's all small stuff if i allow it to be.

freakin idiot!

whether we believe what the media reports about the T.O. situation or not i have a problem with the way in which it was handled by dale hansen. i do not believe he should've stated that he didn't like Terrell or call Coach Parcels incompetent. it is amazing to me that a man who despises so much about the players and the way teams are run would still allow himself to take money for something he obviously opposes. and i don't believe that making 10 million a year makes someone less human. dale hansen to my knowledge was never hired to give his opionions but instead to report stats and set up highlights. so i would urge this guy to actually be a man and perhaps walk away from his position. it's amazing how many people kick others who are down. just contributing to the discussion. 

dear John

i will always remember the sign that they placed in their yard for Christmas. It had an angel on it with a very large "Merry Christmas from the Shoemakers". And they were the Shoemakers up until the phone rang tonight at 11:00.

It had been a rough 3 years for John physically. He had been through strokes, a massive heart attack and a brain tumor. and through it all his wife, my mother's best friend was the strength for us. most of the time they were more at peace with everything than we were. and so i will always think of john as an incredible husband and friend. he became a father to his nephew and niece without asking. he loved and served his church as much as he could even when he was sick. he got it right...

so i thank you John for what you have given us in lesson and in life. thank you for taking me to the beach and the mountains. thank you for all of the pictures and shirts from all over. thank you for letting me pretend that your dog was mine. thank you for supporting me and my life goals. thank you for loving your wife so much...i will remember your example forever. and we'll take care of our girl.

pappy lives!

happy birthday to the one and only pappy! it kinda freaks me out though when you come at me when you're pretending to be a dinosaur. i know it's your birthday and you should get what you want but i already got you a shirt and there's more where that came from if you quit scaring me. just something to think about...seriously though, thanks for always helping me solve my very very important problems. and you're my favorite person to have coffee with...well i have coffee and you have ice cream but whatever. love you jake...

united mindset

check out my sweet new copywriting gig at unitedmindset.com...just a few twenty-somethings that are living the dream. they are really talented guys! take chances people...God doesn't give you a dream for you NOT to do something about it...(i realize that it usually takes more than 5 months for things to work out and for that i am incredibly grateful!) sweet action!

Free Taitlin?

What's this nonsense about a Free Taitlin tee? Can someone find out if there are extras please!?!

Student Life at the Beach!

so student life at the beach was not quite what i expected...it was actually very relaxing. i enjoyed the idea of being relaxed when going in to hear voddie speak as opposed to tired, sweaty, and still hungry from "dinner". it as if all of our needs were met in order for us to listen better and that is no coincidence. it was a great time of building new relationships, repairing old ones and creating more funny stories than i can recall at once. i will leave you with one question... what is phroneo christou?

stating the obvious

its amazing that God would ever want us. yes, he created us with all of this care and love, but after sin entered the picture and Jesus all took care of it, its amazing that God would still want us. i have the most trouble accepting grace. it's like someone getting you flowers for no reason, sending a card, or a free cup of coffee. and i am by no means saying that a cup of joe is anything like being saved from hell and damnation, but if i'm having a hard time with coffee, i have a difficult time with grace. and the point is just to take it i guess, but it doesn't get any easier for me for some reason. most of the time i think that i have friends and family i don't deserve but i have them here when i send out my version of the bat signal. and God is all in their responses to me and the same things they tell me are all what's spoken to my heart.

i finally realized something about God...something i already knew really but never wanted to say outloud. just a couple of weeks ago my best friends moved away to florida. and i remember thinking to my self as i drove home after leaving them that God's love is real, beautiful, holy, and overwhelming. i realized that there was no by-chance meeting that i met them and we became friends. we were family from the start and that's how i know God is real. i know that His love is real because standing in the driveway crying my eyes out with amy, it wasn't the first time we had cried like that together. there will be many more times to laugh and throw cake in each others faces and maybe even tears, but i love her with what God gives to me to give away.

that might seem disheartening to hear from me that i finally am beginning to understand God's love, but i guess i allowed myself not to be moved by God's authenticity. and its not something i am proud of, but i have to be honest about it. when so much of life becomes a routine, it just happens even though we take preventative measures. and so i owe it to myself to experience God's love even though i will never fully understand it (Ephesians 3), i want to try to.

wow...it's taken me two weeks to write that entry and i'm back to square one...just me again, but i will be okay. thank goodness God sees wounds instead of me having to point them out all of the time. we'll get there...

Ethiopia

It's the latest adventure...Ethiopia...more details to come. Hopefully the first of many, many trips and time spent in Africa. Love God Love People.

jetlag

so i got my car back friday after two weeks of fixin’ and a month or so of being all smashed up. i do have a confession to make. i kind of liked having the car all messed up not because i had an awesome story to tell, but because it reminded me of my students. you know when you have some huge change in your life and you hang on to letters and notes for longer than you should...that was the car for me. i feel as though i’m telling secrets here, but people in ministry have a difficult time bouncing back after they leave. i am just now feeling like myself. a mentor of mine calls it jetlag and he’s right. it is a scary thing to be left alone with yourself for hours on end. that’s the place where you either decide that you either love yourself, hate yourself, or try to improve what is already there.

going through this last month or so, i am reminded of the first time i encountered this type of emotion. it was after i interned at fbcc during the summer of 2003. i didn’t know what day it was or what time it was for about two weeks after i stopped working. all of sudden i was alone and far away from the people that had become my family in just 12 weeks. i remember walking home from class at baylor and breaking down in tears because i didn’t have other people walking beside me.

and thankfully this go around has not been as traumatic, but it has been a change that makes me hurt inside. you question yourself to know if you made the right decision and you just live with it. so the moral of the entry is that jessica is at times, a little too honest. but there are many things that i cannot hide. at one time or another we will all experience this type of thing and hopefully it won’t take as long to figure out what day it is.

and maybe the transition won't seem like it will ever get easier,but we stay in the fight and we allow the Word that defines the very character of us to be our thoughts...it explains who we are now and who we hope to be as well as what God intends us to become. i am so greatful to have fellowship with the Lord since i have the Bible that everyone wrote in. i've started writing in it myself. and i won't ever be ashamed of the things that i write here because its all for the glory of the Lord.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:16-17

=

as luck would have it, i caught an interview between coldplay frontman, chris martin and joe levy, editor of rolling stone magazine. and it was encouraging to see a rock star and rock journalist being intelligent not because it was what the people wanted, but because thats who they are. and it makes me wonder about all of the other celebrities we see that give interviews because they need more exposure to prostitute themselves for the purpose of supporting other people. and it just reiderated the reason why i like coldplay. and its not that i am obsessed with their music, i just happen to have the same beliefs about life and yes, even fair trade. and i don’t believe that they are trying to promote themselves, but awareness about not being stupid or “remaining in the dark” about the world around us.

although it would be easy to remain less concerned about our fellow man. they still live and breathe the same air that i breathe. and i don’t want them to be exploited any more than i would want that for my family and friends. i guess i align myself with these causes and work for people who are concerned about the things i value most because i cannot turn a blind eye and ignore it. i could be more vague. this is it in a nut shell...we should know what it really costs to keep our lives as comfortable as they are. we should know where our food comes from, our clothing, our coffee and tea. we are all people who are born into a world with hopes of not being cheated or exploited. think about it.

and no, i’m not a hippie. = make trade fair.

I will take this opportunity to say that we are all the same. Maybe some of us are older, shorter, etc., but we are the same. There are those who dream and then there are those who attempt to be the dream. When I was about 4 years old, I decided that I wanted to become a doctor by day and a taxi cab driver by night. That didn't quite work out because I hated to play hospital and the next year I got another dream...I wanted to be a writer. And so I tried to invent new people and friends. I even had an imaginary brother who was always in trouble. And I believe that we all have it in us to accomplish these great things, not for ourselves, but for the one who gave us so many incredible talents and visions. It all goes to glorify the Lord, right? Yes. As I was praying about this decision, I spent time reading about Jesus' life and ministry to people. The thing that screamed at me through the scripture was that Jesus didn't have a "safe" life and he didn't want one. And I guess that is what I'm chasing after. The uncertainty of my next step will build more character and faith with each day and I'm glad that I've responded to the call. So where are you in this if we are all the same? What is God calling you to? What dream do you have that you are afraid of saying aloud? Are you who you want to be? How curious are you about what God has for you?

And I believe that God can do incredible things through all of you. Ministering to you has taken me to the Throne of Grace day after day. At times, I think I need all of you more than you could ever need me. But I feel that what we have built here has earthly value in addition to the eternal value. We are the Body of Christ and as I have experienced in the past, that means we are family. So maybe we won't see one another all the time, but the time we do spend together will be special. I do want you to know that any time you need anything...my phone will always be on and i always check my email. I would do anything for you guys...you know that. I look forward to hearing great things from you all in the future. God has allowed you to give me more joy than I have had at any other time in my life.

So I will only ask for one thing from you... Give your life away to other people. Minister to them when you're not at your best and tell them that God loves them exactly how they are right, this second...not when they get things together...but in the midst of the junk and the mess. God loves them. You should know that, too. And..do selfless deeds for people. Love the kids who have never experienced unconditional love in their lives. Spend your time on the things that have eternal value. Invest in people...let others invest in you. And love your Savior with the same passion he loves you with. His thoughts about you are more numerous than the grains of sand. Be His.

He loves you, I love you.
Jessica Garza
www.basicallyfamous.blogspot.com

rez 2006

here are a few pics from rez...please continue to pray for our students as they process what God wants them to be. pray that they would feel Him and hear him. and yes, mac wrestled me to the ground in the first picture...good times!

the accident

wouldn't you know that my first accident would be with a school bus carrying all of my youth kids on it...we were not even out of the parking lot yet...sheesh. fyi, rez was great!

the network

everyone has a network they operate on...some of them are more reliable than others, but they are still there. and they are not invisible, they have heartbeats and make sound. they are beautiful. i have one such network that i operate on and it seems that everyone has the same name and more than words can say, i appreciate them because they are the most trustworthy source of support. and it makes me wonder why we all go through the difficulties in life together, not because i want to question the divine mysteries that all end in love, but because i want to see every aspect of a situation. i wonder if i'm supposed to appreciate my friends, my God, this faith and the answer is yes. i'm supposed to see it all. it is always there waiting to be seen...recognized. so this network that i've been given is more than just a means of communication and information. it is like breathing to me. i can always count on the network feeling the same thing i am feeling not because they like drama, but because we are all so connected that we feel everything together. and i don't understand how that works and i want to, but i know that i won't get it until i see the face of Jesus. so my advice to you would be that you pray for a network. the kind that can withstand pressure, pain, and dance with you when you must celebrate. there is accountability there and life. the idea of a network puts to rest any narcissistic idea that we might prescribe to. be grateful for what you have and pray for the things you don't have. we should be the friends that God expects us to be. we should have the character Christ expects us to have...we shouldn't be shocked when people act like Him. love God, love people.

i love popeye

it would happen that the fish i inherited from daniel & carey would develop a horrific case of pop-eye...yes, it is indeed a real medical term.

reely cool

i have found the link to my past...and it is all on tape...i don't know why i didn't think of this before...i'm so excited!

#476

there are many reasons why i love amy j: reason #476...she loves her family the way Jesus intended her to love them. we should all be so lucky...love God, love people indeed.

safe enough to wake up

there's a song that jack johnson sings...i believe it's called, "where did all the good people go". Atleast that's what the chorus says...and i have ask myself that very question...where are all the good people? i generally don't like people to tell me about how great they are...most amazing people never have to say things like that in the first place. and so i'm not blown away by how good things are on paper. i prefer to live with people and realize it on my own and that's what you do in ministry anyways. and so i'm perplexed as to how i'm supposed to believe that things are as good as they appear to be. and all the while no one asks me where i think all the good people are...and if i was asked i wouldn't just suggest good, i would go for the best. who doesn't want the best? so i guess i'm wishing that we would trade in the best of what God has for us instead of our own good ideas. maybe being around the best would make us all better. what do i know anyways?

check out ben taylor's song, safe enough to wake up

the marathon

love is a marathon...that's the truest thing i've heard all day and yet some 17 year old up and comer is too young to know what that means, but he wrote it and it's out there. and it is disconcerting to be taking love advice from a kid who can't even vote...not that he would want to...the choices we have these days are well...nevermind. have i become so accustomed to the present that i have forgotten how to escape from it through dreams? oh to be more believing about...well...everything.

round here

when i was in high school i was addicted and somewhat obsessed with listening to a certain band...for some reason it made me breathe a little easier every time i heard it. and i don't know the reason for that...i just connected with everything that was being sung. maybe it was a make believe world that was 10 times worse than my real life and it made me see how good things were.

i can remember being on a plane to california thinking that all these songs were written just for me to hear...and maybe they were written for a person like me to identify with them. and sometimes things don't necessarily have to be labled as "christian" for them to make you think. sometimes the christian stuff does the thinking for us too much and nobody wins that way. we don't like it when our parents want us to think a certain way...why do we limit ourselves as to how God can communicate with us or how he would like to communicate with us. He doesn't waste much...He wastes nothing.

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog

Where no one notices the contrast of white on white

And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view

Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

the procrastinator

what is procrastination? is it a big word to describe lazy people...that would actually be procrastinator...anyways. it seems that i procrastinate certain things and its probably not because i'm lazy or that i don't have time, but that i'm scared of the outcome. and i'm not supposed to be scared...i take great pains toward appearing brave...just for myself.

who needs santa?

it should be noted that my momma likes kanye west, but she doesn't care for mariah carey or "mimi" as her friends refer to her. you know what i like? i like christmas and yes, while Jesus is the reason for the season and the colloquial expression...it's true. when did it become about the obsession of the perfect gift? and i'm not just saying that because i'm out of college, and santa will have no gift for me this year. don't we already have enough? so it just really becomes about saying when. so i'm saying enough already....let Jesus be enough.

cookies

i highly recommend giving ernie cookie jars for christmas...mine doesn't talk even though the picture shows me putting my hand over his mouth...but just imagine if he was saying something...i would charge people to see it and hear it! merry christmas...this is also my christmas card!

lost

i thought she would make it...she didn't...

who's it all about?

i suppose i haven't written in a while partly due to massive amounts of business followed by massive amounts of laziness. and so much has gone on in such a short time. both seek weekends were a success...thanks to all of the leaders and parents for making it all possible!

i've been thinking alot lately about events, ministry, and people...and all i want to see in all of them is Jesus...or the mind of Christ. What's happened to that being our focus? It's been a struggle for me to recognize it in my own life, but I think it is attainable to have the desire to think like Christ...surely God honors that. What is stopping me from being more like Jesus? Is it my knack for being a pretty great control freak? Is it my prideful attitude when it comes to recognition? Or is it my constant need to be validated by someone other than my family? And even after writing that, a small part of me still wants to hide out in the land of denial. But I still want to make it there, as much as God will allow me to understand.

i was in the car this evening on my way to core. and i thought to myself, self, you're exhausted! and then i heard the Lord respond immediately, you love me more than that. i will not allow you to miss out on an opportunity just because you are tired. And you know something...God was totally right. I love him enough to run myself into the ground for the kids i work with. I love God enough to be in the most desperate of situations and still serve him. i have to remind myself of this at times even though i hate to admit it. I thank Jesus that he gave himself as our example. It will always be about Jesus...and if it's not...then we're wrong.

mmmm cake!

the long awaited cake fight photo has arrived now that i've discovered how to post pictures...it only took 3 months. i did learn how ebay worked today thanks to the other girl in the picture. there's more from where this came from!

let there be commenting

with careful consideration the comments are back on the blog...please only comment on relevant subjects of the posts...i do not post the guidelines for anyone, but my family members since they believe this is a personal message board of stupidity...it is not...happy commenting!

what's He doing?

it was a good weekend...and i'm ready for the next. and as crazy as it gets, i would choose it all again.

let me know how things changed for you this weekend. i know God did something. He definitely did a work in my life....tell someone and watch what happens. what God does in your life should not be a secret.

remember to love each other.

continued

and why is it that i had the best birthday ever and all i will probably remember is the fact that my parents forgot it again...yes, year three. what's up with that? so i should talk about the good things that happened...umm....let's see...mavs game was awesome and so were the seats. i didn't see eva longoria, but she didn't see me either. i got a few gift certificates and the coolest socks in the world...and just fyi, the way to a girl's heart is through silly socks. my grandparents were equally entertaining as always and i was even asked to be sharyl's maid of honor...incredible. so i should remember all of these things. thank you all for thinking of me. oh yes, and i how could i forget lunch with the middleton's and nat...i am blessed.

miriam, you look out for me so much, i love you...and Lisa, too.

year 3

so i just spent the last hour praising the Lord while i went running. and we talked about how when i stress about things that i don't trust. it's funny how God chooses to show us how wrong we are in such a gentle manner...its grace...that's amazing. and i have to do the same right now...my dad and stepmom forgot my birthday again and i'm not surprised, but i have to choose how to react...with grace and love or with worldly anger that can quickly consume me. how come this junk never stops...how come i never keep hoping they will notice me or even remember. i love them so why don't they love me back?

maybe i expect too much. i'm more high maintenance than most, but even with a busy schedule and work, i still make time to visit them for their birthdays. and i just have to remember that God's thoughts about me....and even them, are more numerous than all the grains of sand on earth. and nothing should surprise me. we all need Jesus...

the reason

there are so many things that happen during the course of a normal business day. and there are so many people to call back, lists to make, and people to email about the most random and obscure things. and sometimes its easy to forget what we do all of this for. i was reminded of the purpose last night as i sat in a group of 30 kids and listened to them worship. that's why we do all of it...for you guys. for you all to be equipped and to send you out into the world to make Christ known.

so i guess i need to apologize to God for being so caught up in the externals of this job i have. don't i see what the purpose is? ultimately, we all know what we do it for, but do we value it. the day i allow myself not to be moved by students worshipping is the day i need to get out. and i don't think that day will really come, but it could.
so i will be mindful of what will make it to eternity...if i don't know the difference between gold and sand, how can i show them?

just another word...please pray for our brothers and sisters at UBC in waco. pray that they would be held close by the Father during this time. if you would like to learn more of how you can pray for them go to http://ubcwaco.org

Live. And Live Well.
Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life.
-kl

the last to know

are you that person? you know, the one who never knows what's going on until a month later...yeah, that's me. and it's been a problem since i was about 8 years old. you can attribute it to my a.d.d. or maybe i'm just oblivious to the world around. for whatever reason...i'm always the last to know. take for instance my dad "forgetting" to tell me that he had gotten married. that's a simple mistake, right? you get married in november and don't tell your daughter until march...and for some reason i don't buy the "forgetting".

and recently, i feel that people have forgotten to tell me important developments in their lives...some stuff that may affect me living my own life. and i don't understand. if we're friends then it should be easy, essential to our friendship to let me in on the big secret. last year i was blatantly lead on while my friend already had a girlfriend....not good. and you would think that i wouldn't be the last to know. that i would see the signs. and honestly, i don't have the time to analyze and study each relationship i have...that's where you have to trust people. but what happens when the people that you value most are always the ones to hurt you. and maybe it's not on purpose, but what if it might be. what if everyone was aware of their actions. what is i was aware of how gullible i am.

and sometimes i get angry about the way i've been treated. and i'm fully aware that my anger cannot make anything right in God's sight, but what if i all i can be is disappointed and sad? what if i can't stop listening to tiny dancer? and i've learned that i still have to function with the people that have hurt me...take my dad for example...i have to remember that i forgave him for the things that he did to us and how he did it. sometimes i forget it even happened at all. but it still happened.

sometimes i think my best friend's ears are going to fall off because he has heard all of this a million times. and i can't understand why it's so easy for him to treat me like he treats Jesus and it's so difficult for others. i mean it, the kid is Jesus to me and has been for 7 years. we all claim to be christian brothers and sisters...what's the deal? and i have to examine myself to see if i even come close to the standard i set for everyone else. i think of it this way...it would probably be the same if i was the first to know.

good things

there's something to be said for coming home to a house that smells like home. think about it...how much better do you feel as you pass over a threshold to have warm smells meet you. so maybe i need more exciting things in my life, but today that's what i appreciate. that my house feels like a home. i guess i take for granted those people who hate to pass through the doors. and it makes me wonder why their homes don't feel safe...like they belong in that space. i don't know what i would do without my place. when i was baylor, i always a felt a sense of relief when i was about to turn onto my street. even through traffic, i had the will to just make it home simply because i loved the space and the people in it. this is true even at my dad's house. it will always feel like home to me. most of the memories i hold as sacred are found between dallas and texas city. so here's to feeling like home.

on another note, jenn is tying the knot on saturday. and though i'm extremely happy for her, i can't picture her being someone's wife. she'll always be the girl who used to jump on my bed right after i made it. the funniest thing we ever did was ride around canton on a couple of scooters or "rascals". she actually jumped on one and promptly said, "jess, we've got 2!" she'll always be my college roommate and funnest highschool girl friend. the kid i would paint with all summer for the student ministry. the girl i would get stranded in hillsboro while on our way home to dallas for the weekend. she's that girl, jenny t. she's the girl who would meet me at walmart to get t-shirt supplies. she's the kid who would coarse me into going to whataburger at 3am. we'd even wear sequins out on a friday night just for fun. she's the kid who would let me sleep over at her house for 3 days straight. so i guess you can say we've had our share of good times...and here's to many, many more. congrats and love.

an excerpt

In response to not knowing what God's Call is on your life:
"Your call is to be a worship leader...but not necessarily with a guitar in your hand. Your call is to befriend that funny little lady at the end of your street. Your call is to feed the hungry and to spend yourself on behalf of the poor and to offer hospitality to strangers who just turn up in town needing a place to crash. And it's to pray so long and hard that you run out of words and tears. Your call is to preach the good news of Jesus to every person who will listen and a few who won't. Your call is to go somewhere, anywhere, wherever, whenever, for Jesus and never stop. your call is to love people no one else loves and to forgive them when they treat you like dirt--or worse. Do your job to the very best of your ability without grumbling about your boss or whining about your colleagues. Your call is to pray for the sick, and when they are healed, to dance all night. And when they aren't, to weep with them and love them even more. Your call is to honor your parents, pray for your leaders, study the Scriptures, and attend plenty of parties. Be a peacemaker in every situation: when the fight breaks out on the bus home late and when gossip starts to circulate at church. Your call is to pick up litter in the street when no one else is looking, to wipe the toilet seat, to pull the gum off from under the desk. It's to get to meetings early to put out the chairs. Your call is to make disciples and teach them to obey everything Jesus commanded. And don't forget to minister grace to them when they sin. Which they will. Your mission is to baptize and to cast out evil spirits. Your call is to bind up broken hearts wherever you find them, and you will find them wherever you look. It's to visit prisons. And hospitals. Your call is to listen more than you talk and to listen with your eyes as well as your ears. It's to do the chores again and again without grumbling. It's to buy ethical coffee and to recycle your bottles. And when you've done all that, come back and see me."
-The Vision and The Vow by Pete Greig

The only thing that i would want to add to those statements is we should do these things out of a joyful heart. How far away are we from this?

a response

so i tried to finish my painting today and it didn't happen...i liked the way it looked before, but there isn't much i can do to change it. and yes, its my fault, but hopefully i will like the end result much more than how it looked in the beginning.

changing the subject...
sometimes i think i beat myself up over the outcome of situations when i had nothing to do with the conflict in the first place. its all in the response...lately i've found myself praying for my favorite married couple on earth...yes, earth. they have been dealt a very crazy hand just a few days ago. and i know that God is in control of all things. afterall His thoughts about us are more numerous than the grains of sand...and that goes for every person ever created. and sometimes i wish people could see what i've seen and what i've felt. especially from these guys...they are an extraordinary duo that seeks to honor God with every day. i should know because they have mentored me through every good and difficult time in the last 3 years. so i know that God will use them some other place, but i can't help but think that their students are being robbed of the opportunity to learn from them. and so i will never have the answers just suggestions. and thank God, He will never need to hear them. so i might spend a few days wondering why. i just want people to see what Jesus sees when He looks at His Loves...He sees the heart.

maybe it's too much to ask...maybe i want too much...maybe it's all we need...to love one another.

kindness

what i normally view as beautiful should be closer to God's idea of beauty...at least that's my hope. to know what is truly beautiful. so many things have happened in the course of a year. and sometimes the 3rd time's the charm...for me to see that everything is worthless compared to the priceless gain of knowing Jesus Christ. hasn't that been God's goal for me to understand all along? and i've fought Him at every angle, but i see it all now. He's all that matters. and no amount of anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment can diminish His Glory. so while i can only see what is temporal, i will not question what i know too little about.

i've been so encouraged by reading from BJ's blog...or reading what his family writes about him since he was called home. and if they can find the love, joy, peace, and beauty of their story...i can smile...i can love...i can go on with God's future grace in mind.

and i have to say that while it would be easy to take this experience on as my own, i haven't. i have seen what the body of Christ was meant to be. they are a self-less family that seeks to bear my burdens as if they were their own. they have been Jesus to me...each one. so i thank you for loving me enough to give up time to listen, pray, and sit with me. and i believe that every battle that is won in my life is also theirs. this is how it feels to be held.

so while it might be easy to come away from this entry feeling good about the body...maybe even seeing God in a different way. my main goal is that we would be mindful of how we treat others. consider that a person is a sister, brother, son, daughter, a future friend, or even a spouse. we are treat one another with the kindness and love that Christ Jesus grants us on a daily basis. perhaps we need to understand and see the love of Christ instead of trying to recognize it on our own merit. love and respect your neighbor...they are trying to do the same.

October 6

they sure do know how to build theme parks, but movie sneak peeks are not their strong suits. i'm talking about those beastly execs at the walt disney company...what are they thinking billing a 2 hour event as a movie screening (and not just any movie...the keenly anticipated Narnia - my gosh man!) and sending in the big wigs to talk up this movie and only showing a 10 minute trailor. phoenemenol as it was...it was a trailor, not a movie or even a rough cut. here's to the free gift bag though...i'm missing the narnia passport. fortunately, i was able to get to know krystal better and discuss the royal tennenbaums at length - always a good time.

i found myself talking my bff michelle out of going to walmart tonight...it was almost 10:00pm...not a wise thing to do in mississippi at night by yourself. the conversation then shifted to her using hurricane food stamps to buy food. my friends are so classy.

the main reason i have a problem with walmart is the simply that i can't go there without being hit on by a mexican guy in his late twenties. funny as it sounds, i was just trying to make it out the door this evening with my chicken tenders and my cinderella dvd (on sale for $14.88) platinum edition. but hey, life throws out those curve balls and you can either try to dodge them or pretend like you're blind and not flinch when they hit you.

but all in all the day was glorious...yes, glorious. the weather was insane and i spent some time outside just smelling the air. so what if i'm weird. i'm okay with it. i watched cinderella for the first time in years and i noticed that even she has an odd attachment to the name octavious...it the best non-serious baby name to suggest to expecting parents. and i talked to michelle for a considerable amount of time. everyone should really have their own michelle...if that's even possible. and i finished up the night with some writing, eating my fun size m&m's, and listening to very safe, but ecletic music.

...i love these kinds of days

just a thought

do you ever wonder about the person that tries too hard? you know that guy who talks in circles and never answers questions directly? what's up with that guy? don't you ever want to say, "you're an educated guy and you still have trouble answering the fundamental precepts of faith." most of the time i feel as though we can see right through people like that. you know the kind that are so busy that it looks like they have everything under control. and really its killing them to keep up the charade of looking important. and i have to ask myself why those people want to have all the answers...i mean why do they want to solve everyone else's problems when they don't even acknowledge their own. so i guess we might always struggle with who we want to be and who we are meant to be. who are we pretending to be and what are we?

stars

driving home tonight i saw the moon...and i couldn't take my eyes off of it. i was driving towards the west and while i could see the remnants of the sunset, i had to tilt my head to the right to see the moon. i probably should've gotten into a wreck, but in my defense it was beautiful. knowing that God revels in His own Creation, i should be a part of that. i guess i have been thinking about the stars and moon alot lately. partly due to the new switchfoot album, partly because the view never gets old. so to correctly steal from the song, when i look at the stars, i feel like myself. check out the view if you have a chance...its amazing. and get the new cd, too.

Part 3: Love

All this time i thought it was everyone else...it was easier to blame other people than to think i had the problem. who wants to say they are broken and more than that, who wants to go through the pain of getting fixed. how much more painful...embarrassing is it to say they don't know what they are doing. I feel like i should be part of a 12 step program although i don't know all the steps. if you don't know what that is, you don't need to know. but like someone that has a broken bone or is sick, i need to get better before i can get back to normal. so i'm not ready for anything, but God. and i say that for no one else, but me. i need to say it...i need to be reminded and held accountable. my friends have been thinking it for 2 years. it seems like i am honest with everyone else, but myself...and it slowly eats away at the sanity i have left. if the only thing i have at the end of this life is that i guarded my heart, it's more than i started out with. how will i ever be intrusted with another person's heart when i don't know how to treat my own?

And i should've seen the signs...i like sharyl crow, i can't watch chick flicks, i can't be touched and forget about the idea of kissing. i bail. Amy has told me that I'm not normal and she's 100% right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being alone and more than that, i'm afraid of someone seeing the real me. so i'll agree to hang out, but my mind will be a million miles away. i'm not sure how this will work, but i have to say that i'm no where near being what i project myself to be.

Here's to being what God intended me to be...thats all i can do. i'm through with my own expectations, my parents expectations and the rest of my family. where there is brokeness, there is always restoration...consider me a broken cistern.

Part 2: Love

So what's wrong with this picture? I am okay with the idea that I struggle with God loving me, yet I think I am ready to conquer earthly love on my own. It's a mystery, really. Why can't I see that everything is flawed compared to the unfailing love of Christ? And I still want the earthly stuff. I STILL WANT THE EARTHLY STUFF!?! Yes, I know what it looks like, feels like, walks like, talks like, etc. And in those times where my idea of love fails, God finds me sitting in my closet on top of a pile of shoes, crying into a worn, gray sweatshirt. And he says, "Let me love you." He doesn't demand that I allow him to, nor does he have to coax me into it. And I still have a hard time saying yes to Him.

This time two years ago, I was a very different person. I was sure that I had met the person I was meant to be with forever. The problem was, he had a difficult time understanding God's unconditional love for him, too. So there was no way we ever had a chance...he had ever more hang-ups than i did. And while he is still a friend, i have a hard time accepting that it was no one's fault. And what I learned from that was, I should not chase what i do not understand. i need to be taught and not by anything of this world. yes, i have had my share of experiences and they have taught me many things, but i need to learn from the God that created love.

A friend suggested that I would like a certain musical artist...He sings a song called No More Running Away. Hopefully, that is the approach that I will be able to make a habit. Here are a few lyrics:

We've come to help you decide
How to spend the rest of your days and nights
We understand that you've tried it before and it froze you alive
And if you could have only been free you'd have listened to reason
Before you had wasted our time

Well it's going to be different this time

There'll be no more running away
No more missing that midnight train
They go so much faster now days
And good thing cause you need to behome before light
It won't be easy at first but you're bound to get used to it sometime
It's only for the rest of your life

...It shouldn't be so hard to understand, afterall, i only have to think this way for the rest of my life...Lord, please help me do it.

Part 1: Love

There's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less...what's that all about? yes, its a beautiful phrase, but most of the time i don't feel like i want to be loved by anyone, let alone God. I know that God loves me, but it's hard enough to accept that my parents love me. Lets just say that I don't have the best relationship with my dad. In 15 years of living in Dallas, he has come to visit me 4 times. He doesn't call on my birthday or send gifts. He never calls me on the phone, he always lets my stepmom do that stuff. So maybe I don't understand that unconditional love thing because I always tried to prove that I was lovable...that I was worthy of being accepted by him. Most of the time I forget about how things are because I throw myself into work or friends or my mom's family...but it still gets me every now and then. Watching the Rob Bell video this morning brought it all back...that my own father has never said that to me...there's nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. And all I could think about was how I would treat my own kids in that moment. That I would love them regardless because I know what it's like to be left alone. So I don't know how to mend all this and I'm aware that I can't heal my own heart, but I can want to be healed. I want to understand unconditional love...well, as much as I can as said in Ephesians...that I will never fully understand the love of God. I will focus on the fact that nothing can separate me from the Christ's love...and that it's okay to be loved.

That's what He's teaching me...what is He teaching you?

home free

T – Minus 3 hours and counting till I get on a plane to go home. It is a good thing to rest and that’s what I intend to do. I want to go places in basketball shorts with no makeup on and no shoes on my feet…you can do that kind of thing in Texas City, it’s pretty normal actually. Hopefully I’ll have plenty of stories when I get back…maybe even some good stuff for the book!

It’s been an exhausting week. I didn’t know where my friends were after the hurricane and I was stressed about other stuff…thank goodness God has met every need, stopped every worry, and shouldered every burden. We serve an awesome God. He is providing and protecting us all. He is more than the source of our sanity in this crazy world, He is our every breath. We will be more than fine. Matthew 11:28

I do have a prayer request for my friend Liz…she made it back to Dallas from New Orleans yesterday. She moved there after graduation, it’s actually been the place that feels most like home to her. In her own words she says that her heart is broken. She loves that city. She is doing all she can to help other hurricane victims by volunteering for the Red Cross. Just pray that she feels like she is helping…pray that God would heal her heart by caring for others. She’s the toughest kid I know...and I love her.